Lucky

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog, Lucky. Lucky was a real character and whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit, they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably someone would forget and something would come up missing. Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. A double mastectomy was scheduled and Mary waited for the surgery date with fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her... what would happen to Lucky? Although the three year old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. "If I die Lucky will be abandoned," Mary thought. "He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him." The thought of that made her sadder than her own possible demise.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the dog just drooped, whining and miserable. Finally, the day came for Mary to leave the hospital and when she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.

Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad, but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed. When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. Panic soon gave way to laughter though when Mary realized the problem.... she was covered, literally blanketed, in every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement and back bringing his beloved mistress his favorite things in life. He had smothered her with his love. At that moment, Mary decided to forget about dying and, instead, she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every night.

It has been 12 years now and Mary remains cancer-free. And Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box, but Mary will always be his greatest treasure.

Penguins Day Out

A man drives into a gas station. The attendant goes to fill his tank and notices five penguins in the back seat. The attendant says, "Hey! Why do you have five penguins in your car?"

The driver says, "I KNOW! I was just stopped at a light back there and they climbed into my car and now I don't know what to do!"

The attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd take them to the zoo."

The driver says, "That's a good idea! I'll do that!"

A week later the driver pulls into the gas station and the attendant sees the same five penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses. The attendant asks, "What are you doing? I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

"We did go and we had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"

Looking For Sex

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog’s license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too!” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked at me and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and myself, and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.”

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, “Wonderful! If you sell tickets you’ll clean up!” “But you don’t understand”, I said. “I want to have Sex on TV.” He said, “They already have that on Cable. It’s no big deal any more.”

Well my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said to the judge, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said, “The courtroom is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts.” Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Well last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in this alley at four o’clock in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up soon.

How To Wash A Cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate. You may need to stand on the lid and give the cat time to make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people or animals between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

I Am Your Dog

I am your dog, and I have a little something I’d like to whisper in your ear. I know that humans lead very busy lives. Some have to work, some have children to raise. It always seems like you are running here and there, often much too fast, often never noticing the truly grand things in life. Look down at me now, while you sit there at your computer. See the way my dark brown eyes look at yours. They are slightly cloudy now. That comes with age. The gray hairs are beginning to ring my soft muzzle.

You smile at me. I see love in your eyes. What do you see in mine? Do you see a spirit? A soul inside, who loves you as no other could in the world? A spirit that would forgive all trespasses of prior wrong doing for just a simple moment of your time? That is all I ask … to slow down, if even for just a few minutes to be with me. So many times you have been saddened by the words you read on that screen, of other of my kind passing. Sometimes we die young and, oh so quickly, sometimes so suddenly it wrenches your heart right out of your chest. Sometimes, we age so slowly before your eyes that you may not even seem to know until the very end, when we look at you with grizzled muzzles and cataract-clouded eyes. Still, the love is always there, even when we must take that long sleep to run free in a distant land.

I may not be here tomorrow. I may not be here next week. Someday you will shed the water from your eyes that humans have when deep grief fills their hearts, and you will be angry with yourself that you did not have just “one more day” with me. Because I love you so, your sorrow touches my spirit and grieves me. We have NOW together. Come, sit down here next to me on the floor and look deep into my eyes. What do you see? If you look hard and deep enough we will talk, you and I, heart to heart. Come to me as “alpha” or as “trainer” or even “Mom” or “Dad,” come to me as a living soul and stroke my fur and let us look deep into one another’s eyes and talk.

I may tell you something about the fun of chasing a tennis ball, or I may tell you something profound about myself, or even life in general. You decided to have me in your life because you wanted a soul to share such things with. Someone very different from you, and here I am. I am a dog, but I am alive. I feel emotion, I feel physical senses, and I can revel in the differences of our spirits and souls. I do not think of you as a “dog on two feet.” I know what you are. You are human, in all your quirkiness, and I love you still.

Now, come sit with me, on the floor. Enter my world, and let time slow down, if only for 15 minutes. Look deep into my eyes and whisper to my ears. Speak with your heart, with your joy and I will know your true self. We may not have tomorrow, and life is oh, so very short.

Puppies For Sale

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups, and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.

As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt tug on his overalls.

He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket,
he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've
got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed
something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.

Down the ramp it slid. Then in a awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

Outrun A Bear

Jim and Bob were out camping. They looked across the open clearing & saw this
big bear running toward them. Jim immediately sits down, takes off his
camping boots and puts on his Adidas tennis shoes.

Seeing this, Bob says, "You don't think you're gonna be able to outrun that
bear, do ya?"

Jim replys, "Noooo. I can't outrun that bear, but I don't have to. All I
have to do is outrun you!

How To Catch An Ape

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south
of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant
tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events.

Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape,
escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one
because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for
animals, had had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or
capturing them.

The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the
secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages?"
The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.

To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing
for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20 minutes a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo
and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at
the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?" the little man asked. The
director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop in the
truck," the little man said. The director did and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted
Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man
opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running
around in circles.

The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase which he
opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to
the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk
of the tree, and a baseball bat.

"Now," the little man said, "I'm going up into the tree with the
baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The
instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will grab the ape
by the crotch. The ape, instantly and instinctively will grab at his
crotch with both hands and then you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him."

The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said
"I'm not too sure about this, what's the gun for?"

The little man said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and
things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my
job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock
ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

Monkey Business

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, "Mmm... that was delicious lion meat!"

The lion abruptly stops and says, "Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks... I better leave while I can."

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll go get him together."

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey?! I paid him to bring me another lion more than an hour ago!!"

Pick Me Up

An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up!"

He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.

"Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Bananas On A Ladder

“The most damaging phrase in the language is: ‘It’s always been done that way.'” ~ Grace Hopper


A group of scientists placed five monkeys in a cage, and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on top.

Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, every time a monkey would start up the ladder, the others would pull it down and beat it up.

After a time, no monkey would dare try climbing the ladder, no matter how great the temptation.

The scientists then decided to replace one of the monkeys. The first thing this new monkey did was start to climb the ladder. Immediately, the others pulled him down and beat him up.

After several beatings, the new monkey learned never to go up the ladder, even though there was no evident reason not to, aside from the beatings.

The second monkey was substituted and the same occurred. The first monkey participated in the beating of the second monkey. A third monkey was changed and the same was repeated. The fourth monkey was changed, resulting in the same, before the fifth was finally replaced as well.

What was left was a group of five monkeys that – without ever having received a cold shower – continued to beat up any monkey who attempted to climb the ladder.

If it was possible to ask the monkeys why they beat up on all those who attempted to climb the ladder, their most likely answer would be “I don’t know. It’s just how things are done around here.”

Does that sound familiar?

Kermit Jagger

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Making A Mountain Out Of A Molehill

This is an allegedly true story...

An English home owner was at his wits' end in his long and unsuccessful war against the mole that had been burrowing unsightly tunnels throughout his property. Having had enough of the traps and poisons, he planned to go hand to hand with the mole.

Moles are nocturnal animals, so he drove his Jaguar onto the lawn to hunt the mole down with the aid of its headlights. The car stalled, and when he got it started again, it lurched into gear and out of control. Onward it rolled, the driver trapped inside, until it crashed into his house. The car's fuel tank ruptured and burst into flames, which quickly reached the house and burned it to the ground.

He couldn't even phone for help, as the telephone cable was burned through before he call the fire department. "I was lucky to get out alive," he said, "but I still want to see that mole dead!"

The Horse Raffle

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The
farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened
with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck went on to work for the government.

The Difference Between Cats And Dogs

There are a distinct differences between a cat and a dog...

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god.

What is a cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost you money.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats

A dog thinks: Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

What is a dog?

What is a dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.

Why The World Is In Chaos

"People were created to be loved, things were created to be used; the reason why the world is in chaos right now is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

 ~ Unknown

Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities. In other words... just learn to live with the pricks in your life and you'll live longer!

Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he whispered to the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? And what is your name?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed.

“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The same kind who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

"Talking Dog For Sale"

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into an equally broken-down backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a liar! He never did any of that crap."

How To Give A Cat A Pill

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.

Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap It In Bacon
2. Toss It In The Air!