Give Me $20

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘Okay, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “Okay, good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

Just Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me... I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Missing Person

A husband called the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife. The following conversation took place.

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Policeman: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked.

Policeman: Slim or fat?

Husband. Not slim, not fat.

Policeman: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Policeman: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Policeman: What was she wearing?

Husband. Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Policeman: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Policeman: Color of the car?

Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door, and then the husband started crying.

Policeman: Don't worry sir, we will find your car.

Police Officers Buy Back An Elderly Couple's Wedding Ring That Was Pawned To Buy Groceries

In an age where it seems the only new we read is bad news, this story in the Cornwall Seaway News was too wonderful not to share. :)

"Cornwall, Ontario police officers went above and beyond the call of duty by helping an elderly couple buy back a wedding ring that was pawned to buy groceries.

City cops were attending what they believed was a domestic call at a home involving an elderly couple who were in the midst of an argument. Upon visiting the home, police discovered that an elderly woman was suffering from dementia. They further determined that the husband had recently pawned his wedding ring in an effort to purchase groceries.

The couple had been married 54 years and the husband admitted he was finding it difficult to not only care for his wife, but to put food on the table.

Police quickly began canvassing among themselves and raised $150 to purchase groceries for the couple, as well as $130 to buy the ring back from a local pawn shop.

The officers who helped are expected to receive a commendation from the police services board for their act of kindness."

He Who Dies With The Most Toys

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!"

The Pursuit

On his 60th birthday, Ralph bought himself a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down the Florida highway. He decided to see how fast this baby could really go pushing the pedal to the metal. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw a State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," Ralph thought as he flew down the road at over 150 mph.

But then it suddenly hit him. "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the car.

"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

Ralph looked at the Trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper... I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a great day," said the Trooper.

License Please

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Late For A Date

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

The Difference Between Slow And Stop

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Of course he thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he's big shot lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from this rural area. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" asks the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop" says the deputy, "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy repeats as he becomes more impatient..

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and, without warning, starts beating the living tar out of the lawyer and says, "Would you like me to stop... or just slow down?"

Field Sobriety Test

A Virginia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if he driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old boy from Arkansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”

Not A Damn Thing

A Texas cop stopped an elderly woman for speeding.

He asked for her driver's license, and proof of insurance. The old gal took out the required information and handed it to him.

He was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed handgun-carry permit. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. He asked her if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

The cop asked her if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. He then asked her what was making her so afraid she felt the need to carry weapons.

She looked him square in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

Chicken Crossing

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really made the drivers speed up even faster. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the ! problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

The Top 20 Things Not To Say To A Cop When He Pulls You Over

Whatever you do, please don't say these things to a cop who has pulled you over. Starting with number 20:

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

The Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

FBI Pizza

This is a funny little story that I verified as being true on snopes.com, which only goes to show that the truth is often way funnier than fiction...

FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.

Click.

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa"

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

"Dear Papa,

I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie"

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The same day the old man received another letter from his son:

"Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie"

The New Deputy

The local Sheriff was looking for a new deputy, when a blonde walks in to apply for the job. He asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replies. The Sheriff thinks to himself, "That was not the answer I was looking for, but I guess she's right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks. "Today and Tomorrow." the blonde answers. The Sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has responded with a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was ecstatic. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Santa Pursuit

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,

Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung on the wall with great care,

Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.

I was working the night shift compiling stats,

Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,

I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter.

I opened the door with a creak and a crick,

And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture a time or two,

He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!"

"Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees."

But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew,

With me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh,

Throwing down toys and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack,

I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank,

And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear.

Then I got off three rounds and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say,

as he sailed into the blue,

"Merry Christmas to all!

My Lawyers will sue!"

The Chauffer

After getting all of Pope Francis’ luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (that's 127.38109 mph for my American friends)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license... AND my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "A senator?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "God? What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "Because His chauffeur is the Pope!"

Is There A Problem, Officer?

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. May I see your licence, please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the man and then slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, his hand on his half-drawn gun...

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space.

The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands him the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite shaken. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license in it. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I'll bet you that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"