Give Me $20

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘Okay, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “Okay, good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

Alfred

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Alfred, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Alfred sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

"Alfred. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.

"Alfred. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Alfred. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally she looked at him and said, "Alfred. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Final Request

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They, however, were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

The Pretzel Lady

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

Puppies For Sale

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups, and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.

As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt tug on his overalls.

He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket,
he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've
got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed
something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.

Down the ramp it slid. Then in a awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

He Who Dies With The Most Toys

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!"

Eating Grass

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place... the grass is almost a foot high!"

Kermit Jagger

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The Horse Raffle

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The
farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened
with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck went on to work for the government.

How to Solve A Mid-Life Crisis

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life
crisis...

The Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While in route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous to us! I lied when I told you I inherited money! He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his butt up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Are You At The Club?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000! Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure! Go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

The Promise

There was an old man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he told wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money with me to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him, with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

On the day of his funeral, he was stretched out in the casket, and his wife was sitting there in her black dress, next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait! Just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her and she took the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised him I would and I am an honest woman. I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him and I did."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and then I wrote him out a check."

My Retirement Plan

Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement. Then I saw an article about nursing homes and retirement homes and the expenses.

Suddenly it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan:

I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also leaves enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from the family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.

If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.

Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

How I Got an Ostrich

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asked them for their orders.

The man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

She turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?" she asked the ostrich.

"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order. "That will be $9.40, please." And the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich said, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," said the man.

"Same," said the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress could not hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress asked, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

How Much Is That Cat?

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold." And he hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.".

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

The Inheritance

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later she became his stepmother.

Women really are so much smarter than men...

Fight Club

A gang of robbers broke into a politicians' club by mistake. The old political lions gave them a fight for their lives and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "At least we got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "You idiots! I warned you to stay clear of politicians! We had $100 when we broke in!"

Funeral Expenses

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

Writing A Letter

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you," said the lawyer.

"But it’s only $500," protested the man.

"Precisely! That’s what he will reply in his response to you and then you’ll have your proof!"