Scud Missiles

Okay, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using female products... correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok... A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard... and VOILA... here is only ONE tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL... I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD... at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them???

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND! GO PLAY!"

How To Wash A Cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate. You may need to stand on the lid and give the cat time to make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people or animals between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

The Well-Dressed Salesman

A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.

"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."

"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.

"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"

"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"

"Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."

What Having Kids Has Taught Me

Let me tell you... when you have kids, you find out so many interesting things, such as...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and clorox mix.....(but, boys, it's toxic, so wear a mask)

Free Fridge

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To quickly get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this great deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale."

The next day someone stole it.

The Stinky House

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife, Edith, for his young sexy secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the Jake's attorneys were a little better, he prevailed.

He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table lit by candlelight. She put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed the half-eaten shrimp shells, that she had dipped in the caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

Jake moved in with his new girlfriend and all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided they had to move.

A month later even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods.

Organize Chores

I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Thing's I won't do later; Things I'll never do...

How To Clean The House

Maxine On How To Clean The House...

1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4 Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5 Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete 'Housework' permanently?" 6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

Sometimes I Apologize

Sometimes I apologize for my messy house even though it looks great so guests will think it is usually kept in immaculate condition.

This House

This house runs on love, laughter, and really cold bottles of beer... or wine... or vodka...

A Plus Side

A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won't judge you because I will also be in my pajamas.

How To Get Your Husband To Fix Things

The quickest way to get your husband to fix something, is to get his tools out and start the project yourself.

6 Locks

My friend has 6 locks on her door. She said her theory is to only lock 3. That way, if a thief tries to pick the locks, he'll always be locking three of them no matter how he does it.

Better Than Fries!

Better than fries! Cut potatoes almost all the way through, drizzle olive oil, butter, some sea salt, and pepper over top and bake in oven at 425 degrees for 40 minutes. These are an incredibly yummy and healthy alternative to traditional frying. ; )

Spider Chip Cookies

To make 'Spider Chip" cookies, you just use a toothpick to draw legs on the chocolate chips, while the chips are still warm. A fun and easy treat for Halloween!

Drinking Game

"It would be irresponsible to not make housecleaning into a drinking game"... although, fabulous in theory, what would actually end up happening, is me getting drunk and just spraying Febreeze over everything... ;-P

Murphy's Law For Moms

Murphy’s Law for Moms

 

1. If you wear black, they will have a runny nose.

2. If you wear white, they will have muddy hands.

3. If you change their diaper, they will immediately poop in the new one.

4. If you mop the floor, they will spill something.

5. If you put on fresh socks, you will immediately step in whatever was spilled.
6. If it is perfect, they will fix that for you.

7. If you say it, they will repeat it.

8. If it’s important, they will forget it.

9. If you’re tired, they will not be.

10. If you love them, you will see the beauty in it all.

Be Careful What You Feed Your Pets

This is a post that was created for Thanksgiving, but I believe it is great advice for everyday living. Many foods are too fatty for dogs and cats to digest and could make them very sick. Some foods that should definitely not be shared with your pets are skin or bones from your chicken/turkey, onions, grapes, raisins, or chocolate.

How To Easily Put Keys On A Key Ring

When you are trying to add keys or other objects to your key ring, use a staple remover to open the key ring and this allows you to easily slide the objects onto the ring, thus saving you from damaging your finger nails. ; )