A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House,” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(This gets better!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that “computer” should be masculine (el computador), because:
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data, but still can’t think for themselves;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotton a better model.
The women won!
A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 75. They had fled Europe after WW2, and formed their own town.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these aging Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though, elderly, Norse firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 82-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on the fookin truck!!!"
An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the board, and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
The word "phonetically" doesn't even start with and 'f''. Sh*t like this is why aliens fly straight past us. As a native language English speaker, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to attempt to learn English as a second language. I was raised by a mother who was an English teacher, and I have an MA in Education, but even I have to stop and think about how words are spelled or if I'm using the correct spelling of "to", "too", or "two"... I seriously don't know how immigrants to this country do it...
As concierge at a posh resort in Colorado, I am often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple, who had just checked in after a long flight, came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
How Americans think Canadians say "about" versus how Canadians actually say it.
When you say "I seen," I assume (and I know that often to "assume" ends up making an "ass" of "u" and "me," but I feel pretty safe on this one) you won't finish that sentence with the inside of a book." I see. I saw. I have seen. ;-)
What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? How do you respond to it? What do you say? "Hola?" ;-P
