Who's George?

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband! Is this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Just A Mother

A woman named Emily, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a...?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, in the laboratory and in the field. I'm working for my Masters, and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day. But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."

Motherhood... What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants."

Please send this to another Mother, Grandmother, Aunt, and other friends you know! They will be delighted with their "new" position in life!

25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom

I read this on scarymommy.com and nearly choked on my coffee! These are the 25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom:

1. At least half of your meals consist of your child’s leftovers.

2. When your husband asks, “what did you do today?” you can’t muster up a single thing to report, despite feeling like you’ve been put through the spin cycle of the washing machine.

3. Your kids ask where you are going when you put on jeans.

4. You can clean your entire house with a package of baby wipes.

5. A “night out” is roaming the aisles at Target alone.

6. The TV has been on all day, but you have no idea what’s happening in world news.

7. Showering is a major accomplishment.

8. Your kids see you naked more often than your husband.

9. You actually know what the fox says, or what it could say at least, because 50% of your time is spent making animal sounds.

10. Your mood depends solely on the length of time your child napped for.

11. Putting a bra on means someone special is coming over.

12. On the way out the door, You look down at your kids crusty food on your shirt and think to yourself, eh, it’s not that bad. Or worse, you pick it off and actually taste it.

13. You fake stomach problems once your husband gets home, just so you can be alone in your own bathroom.

14. Your dog barks when you put “real” shoes on.

15. You have invited Jehovahs Witnesses in on more than one occasion, and scared them off after asking if they’d like a dirty martini.

16. You have to check the weather outside before you head out because you have no idea how cold or warm it is because you haven’t been out in days.

17. You consider going on Facebook “spending time with your friends.”

18. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for a couple days in a row…and you’re not sure exactly how many “a couple” means.

19. You’ve contemplated performing your own hysterectomy while preparing dinner… more than once.

20. Your vacuum cleaner is a permanent fixture in [insert the busiest room in the house] and hasn’t been unplugged for three months.

21. You have no idea what the date or day of the week is, but you can tell what time it is just by what cartoon is on TV.

22. It’s only 9AM and you’ve thought “I need a drink.”

23. You’re nursing an infant on the toilet while simultaneously scheduling a doctor’s visit.

24. The cup of coffee you are drinking at lunch is the cup you made at 5:30am, just reheated for the 100th time.

25. You don’t want to go to bed at night because the silence is just too beautiful, no matter how tired you are.

Taking No Chances

A man, his wife, along with his ever-complaining mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."

The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead... I just can't take that chance."

If You Love Something

If you love something, set it free...

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and it never appeared that you actually set it free in the first place....

You either married it, or gave birth to it!

Why Women Cry

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

A Mother's Dictionary

A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

The Plan

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

The Mini-Midwife

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic was available to respond to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Baby Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for all her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen with great indignation responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place! Smack his bottom again!"

What Having Kids Has Taught Me

Let me tell you... when you have kids, you find out so many interesting things, such as...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and clorox mix.....(but, boys, it's toxic, so wear a mask)

A Man's Logic

A couple decide to divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main custodian of their child.

The judge tells both the man and woman that he would like a reason why either one of them should be the person to have primary custody of the child.

The judge asks the woman first. She tells him, "Well, I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and then I had to go through a painful birth process to bring him into this world. This is my child, as he is a part of me."

The judge is impressed and then turns to the man and asks him the same question.

The man replies, "Alright, your honor, using her logic... if I take a coin and put it in a soda vending machine and a soda comes out... please tell me, who does the drink belong to - me or the machine?"

A Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

When I'm An Old Lady

When I'm an old lady, I'll go live with my children and bring them great joy!

To repay all I've had, from each girl and boy. I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed... and whenever they scold me, I'll just hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk, to complete every meal. Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes, as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be, to live with my children... the way they lived with me!

200 Blunt Words For Divorcing Parents

Minnesota Judge Has 200 Blunt Words 

for Divorcing Parents

By Judge Michael Haas

2001

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

The Date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.

His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

My Mother, My Teacher

My mother was my greatest teacher. Here are a few of the things she taught me...

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4.  My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.  My mother taught me IRONY : "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?

Breakfast in Bed

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

After a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

To All The Mothers

...And here's to all the mothers who have survived Walmart on a Saturday, and still have custody of their children.

ADKD

ADKD: Attention Deficit Kid Disorder: When you attempt to do laundry, but first must fix a blanket fort, sing the ABCs, find that ONE toy, and... hang on... someone's crying...