New Year's Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Years resolution is 1080p.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

If 2014 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2014 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015 Please?

In 2015, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

Dear God, my prayer for 2015 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2014 and a beautiful beginning into 2015.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve, but remember, DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself... this year makeing a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2015.

Just heard that in 2015 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to quit making New Years Resolutions.

There have been many times in 2014, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you... today I just wanna tell you that I plan to continue in 2015!

Happy New Year's Everyone!

The Hanukah Song

"Okay...
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
not too many Chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear
any Chanukah songs.
Here we go..."

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah!"

What Is Your Snowman Name?

So, if you were a snowman, what would your name be?You don't have to wonder anymore, you can find out now!

Happy Thanksgiving

Wishing all our friends & family a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday...

What's Your Turkey Name?

Thanksgiving time is near; and many people’s minds are on pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and turkey... So, let’s find out what your turkey name is!

Breakfast in Bed

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

After a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Dear Co-Workers

Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, tomorrow is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Tomorrow is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the year and a half, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Caulfield: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Linda: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.

And finally, to Kat: you were right, I tested positive. We’ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,
Cian Kelliher

PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the Oden 5:30 tomorrow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!

In Texas

Valentine's Day in Texas... ;-P