Proof Positive

A priest is walking down the street and runs into a homeless looking drunk outside a bar.

The stumbling man claimed to be Jesus. The priest disagreed and tried to continue but the man insisted he was Jesus.

Finally, the priest says, "Alright, if you are really Jesus, how can you prove it?"

"Come with me," the man said.

The priest follows the man inside the bar and immediately the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, not you again."

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, I headed home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I 'cuckooed' another NINE times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him, "Midnight."

He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said, "But we need a new clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

The Gong Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK!!! IT'S THREE-THIRTY IN THE FREAKING MORNING!!!

What Causes Arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by fast living, being with loose women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered increduously, returning to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Field Sobriety Test

A Virginia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if he driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old boy from Arkansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”

The Empire State Building

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!"

He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you can be a real jerk when you've been drinking."

Bus To Hell

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the disheveled man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

The Execution

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to their knees and beg for her forgiveness They then release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Oklahoma State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Do You Want To Go To Heaven?

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Name on a Gravestone

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Mike, and Sean, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past an old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Mike, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Sean yells out, "But here's a fellow who died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Sean lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Take a Cab

With the holidays behind us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving...

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a 'social session' out with friends... we all love to have a good time.

Well, a couple days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past- I arrived home safely without incident.

This came as a real surprise to me, since I had never driven a cab before - don't know where I got it - and now that it's in my garage I really don't know what to do with it...

The Bet

One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk."

The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay."

The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye.

The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar."

The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar.

The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why. The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"

Can I Have A Drink?

A man walks into a bar obviously fall-down drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," said the bartender, "but you've obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad, the drunk walks out the front door and then walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please.”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

Again, the drunk walks out and then returns through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”

“Enough!” The bartender screamed, “I told you No drinks!”

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed “Damn! How many bars do you work at?"

What Must You Do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Thug Life

If by "thug life" you mean baking cupcakes in my underwear while drunk on a Friday night, then yes... I chose the thug life.