Scud Missiles

Okay, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using female products... correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok... A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard... and VOILA... here is only ONE tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL... I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD... at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them???

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND! GO PLAY!"

Kermit Jagger

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

SBF Seeks Male Companionship

SBF (single black female) seeks male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. Loves long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I am a svelte, good looking female who loves to have fun. Call 555-5555 and ask for Daisy.

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.)

Waiting For This Moment

I've been waiting for this moment ever since I woke up... Good night, everyone.

What Is Your Snowman Name?

So, if you were a snowman, what would your name be?You don't have to wonder anymore, you can find out now!

What's Your Turkey Name?

Thanksgiving time is near; and many people’s minds are on pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and turkey... So, let’s find out what your turkey name is!

I Am Me

I don't have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I'm far from being considered a model. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars, because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won't change. And if I love you, I do it with my heart. I make no apologies for the way I am, for I am me. <3

Best Part of Waking Up

Mary was surprised by her 8 year old grandson one morning when he got coffee for her while she was still in bed.

She drank what had to be the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She asked him, “Sweetheart, what are the army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV – ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

[It’s a play on a well-known coffee commercial in which the slogan was, “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup.”]

Daddy's A Gamer!

My daddy is a geek! But I'm living proof he scored at least once.

How To Clean The House

Maxine On How To Clean The House...

1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4 Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5 Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete 'Housework' permanently?" 6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

An Older Tired Looking Dog...

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says,
“I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.”

“I can’t wear these,” she said.
“Darn right,” he said, “I wear the pants in this family, and you’d better remember that.”
“I think I’ll try that on Jill,” Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
“Put these on,” he said.

Jill replied, “I can’t wear these.”
“Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you’d better remember that,” he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
“I can’t get in to these,” he said.
“Darn right,” Jill said. “And if you don’t change your attitude you never will!”

A Plus Side

A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won't judge you because I will also be in my pajamas.

Friends Don't Let Friends

Friends don't let friends do silly things... alone.

Resisting A Rest

If I refuse to nap... is that resisting arrest? ;-P

Live

Live like someone left the gate open! If you life seems boring and there's no excitement... watch your dog to relearn how to be happy with the simplest of things!

Go Ahead

Go ahead and try to mess with her... we dare you! ;-P

Funnier It Gets

The longer you look, the funnier it gets! I love animals and the funny and cute faces they make! My dog's funniest expression is when he's trying to "shame" me into feeding by looking sad and neglected. Being overweight, does not help his cause, at all... lol ;-)

My Grumpy Button

My grumpy button... ur pushin' it... ;-P

You Know You're In Love

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~ Dr. Seuss