Be My Anti-Valentine

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
Just don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Tequila Valentine's Day Cupcakes

In need of a laugh? Try this recipe for Tequila Valentine's Day Cupcakes...

2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of candy hearts

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of candy hearts.

Pick the frigging candy hearts up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

My Love For You Grows

Every Valentine's Day, John gave Sue a bouquet of red roses with a note that always said the same five words: "My love for you grows." He did this for all the 46 years they were married.

Then, sadly, John passed away. And as Valentines Day rolled around, Sue knew not to expect anything. But when a bouquet arrived with a note from John, Sue, heartbroken and angry, called the florist to report the cruel trick.

But the florist assured the widow it wasn't a mistake. "Before he passed away, your husband prepaid for many years and asked us to guarantee that you'd continue receiving rose bouquets every Valentine's Day."

When she hung up the phone, she read the attached card with tears in her eyes: "My love for you is eternal."

Second Thoughts

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

In Texas

Valentine's Day in Texas... ;-P