My Get Up And Go

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went.
My joints are stiff and filled with pain
The pills I take give me no gain.


I rub in the ointment like fury I do
Each pain when it leaves comes back with two.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I think of the places my get-up has been.


Old age is GOLDEN I have heard it said.
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed-
My 'ears' on the dresser, my 'teeth' in a cup,
My 'eyes' on the table until I wake up.


Ere sleep comes each night I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
Yet I'm happy to know as I close the door,
My friends are the same as in days of yore.


Since I have retired from life's competition
Each day is filled with complete repetition.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
Go pick up the paper and read the 'o-bits'.


If my name isn't there I know I'm not dead;
I get a good breakfast and go back to bed.
The reason I know my youth is all spent-
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!

~ Author Unknown

Bananas On A Ladder

“The most damaging phrase in the language is: ‘It’s always been done that way.'” ~ Grace Hopper


A group of scientists placed five monkeys in a cage, and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on top.

Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, every time a monkey would start up the ladder, the others would pull it down and beat it up.

After a time, no monkey would dare try climbing the ladder, no matter how great the temptation.

The scientists then decided to replace one of the monkeys. The first thing this new monkey did was start to climb the ladder. Immediately, the others pulled him down and beat him up.

After several beatings, the new monkey learned never to go up the ladder, even though there was no evident reason not to, aside from the beatings.

The second monkey was substituted and the same occurred. The first monkey participated in the beating of the second monkey. A third monkey was changed and the same was repeated. The fourth monkey was changed, resulting in the same, before the fifth was finally replaced as well.

What was left was a group of five monkeys that – without ever having received a cold shower – continued to beat up any monkey who attempted to climb the ladder.

If it was possible to ask the monkeys why they beat up on all those who attempted to climb the ladder, their most likely answer would be “I don’t know. It’s just how things are done around here.”

Does that sound familiar?

Jerk On A Train

I use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance.

There were two men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.

The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.

As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.

So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.

I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.

I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.

Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.

Now THAT is a humbling experience.

We've Been Friends

We've been friends so long I rely on your memory to remember my own past.

I Must Have Been Royalty

I must have been royalty in another life. I have discovered I have no talent for working, respecting authority, being told what to do or caring about any opinions but my own.

Get Out Of The Car!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's sear. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tied, and then she realized why. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four of five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? It you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable.

Different Drug Problem

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood, and, if my mother had even known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

(submitted by concerned citizen)


* This was retyped from a clipping from the Avoyelles Parish Newsletter

Adult Versions

Wine, crackers, and cheese are just adult versions of apple juice, goldfish and cheese sticks.

Winging It

The older you get, the more you realize that no one else has a freaking clue as to what they're doing and we're all pretty much just winging it.

Only Kids

Only kids count sheep to fall asleep. Count your debts, your mistakes, your heartache, and cry yourself to sleep like a grownup!!!

The Divorce

An elderly man in Ohio calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 65 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in London and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

I Just Remembered

I just remembered I'm an adult and had a little panic attack.

Running Away

I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

My Morals

You say my morals are old fashioned? I say it's a sign of being brought up properly.

Remember When?

...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up... WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?

Only Kids Count Sheep

Only kids count sheep to fall asleep to fall asleep. Count your debts, your mistakes, your heartache and cry yourself to sleep like a grownup!!!

Thanks Dad

Dads Say the Darnedest Things

 

"You better quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!"
"You never get a second chance to make a first impression."
"If your best friend jumps off a bridge, are you going to do it too?"
"Because I said so, that’s why!"

 Thanks, Dad, for saying so. ~ Author Unknown

Growing Up

Growing up doesn't mean you have to leave old friends behind... you can keep them close in your heart wherever you go... : )

I Resign!

I officially resign from adulthood! All decisions will be made through eenie-meenie-minee-moe and arguments settled by sticking out my tongue, I'll be at recess if you need me! But, don't coming looking for me with any problems you may have, because I'm a kid now and my biggest worry is whether to choose chocolate or vanilla... ; )

Adulthood

Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going. OMG! Could somebody stop the car, please? ;P