Times-a Up

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 Smit-a-Wesson so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpapa, I don't-a really lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lots a money, a biga haus and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed wit' anodda man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and a say, "Time's-a up"?

Going To Miami

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”

“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”

“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”

“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”

“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We're going to Miami!”

“Huh?” His Grandpa asked. “Why’s that?”

“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak, we're all going to Miami!”

A Grandfather's Words

When James K. Flanagan passed away on September 3, 2012, he left behind something absolutely amazing. Months before, he wrote a wise letter of advice to his five grandchildren, unbeknownst to them at that time. With the kind permission of his loving daughter, Rachel Creighton, the letter he left behind was posted online. 

This is that letter:

"Dear Ryan, Conor, Brendan, Charlie, and Mary Catherine,

My wise and thoughtful daughter Rachel urged me to write down some advice for you, the important things that I have learned about life. I am beginning this on 8 April 2012, the eve of my 72nd birthday.

1. Each one of you is a wonderful gift of God both to your family and to all the world. Remember it always, especially when the cold winds of doubt and discouragement fall upon your life.

2. Be not afraid . . . of anyone or of anything when it comes to living your life most fully. Pursue your hopes and your dreams no matter how difficult or “different” they may seem to others. Far too many people don’t do what they want or should do because of what they imagine others may think or say. Remember, if they don’t bring you chicken soup when you’re sick or stand by you when you’re in trouble, they don’t matter. Avoid those sour-souled pessimists who listen to your dreams then say, “Yeah, but what if . . .” The heck with “what if. . .” Do it! The worst thing in life is to look back and say: “I would have; I could have; I should have.” Take risks, make mistakes.

3. Everyone in the world is just an ordinary person. Some people may wear fancy hats or have big titles or (temporarily) have power and want you to think they are above the rest. Don’t believe them. They have the same doubts, fears, and hopes; they eat, drink, sleep, and fart like everyone else. Question authority always but be wise and careful about the way you do it.

4. Make a Life List of all those things you want to do: travel to places; learn a skill; master a language; meet someone special. Make it long and do some things from it every year. Don’t say “I’ll do it tomorrow” (or next month or next year). That is the surest way to fail to do something. There is no tomorrow, and there is no “right” time to begin something except now.

5. Practice the Irish proverb: Moi an olge agus tiocfaidh sí “Praise the child and she will flourish.”

6. Be kind and go out of your way to help people — especially the weak, the fearful, and children. Everyone is carrying a special sorrow, and they need our compassion.

7. Don’t join the military or any organization that trains you to kill. War is evil. All wars are started by old men who force or fool young men to hate and to kill each other. The old men survive, and, just as they started the war with pen and paper, they end it the same way. So many good and innocent people die. If wars are so good and noble, why aren’t those leaders who start wars right up there fighting?

8. Read books, as many as you can. They are a wonderful source of delight, wisdom, and inspiration. They need no batteries or connections, and they can go anywhere.

9. Be truthful.

10. Travel: always but especially when you are young. Don’t wait until you have “enough” money or until everything is “just right.” That never happens. Get your passport today.

11. Pick your job or profession because you love to do it. Sure, there will be some things hard about it, but a job must be a joy. Beware of taking a job for money alone — it will cripple your soul.

12. Don’t yell. It never works, and it hurts both yourself and others. Every time I have yelled, I have failed.

13. Always keep promises to children. Don’t say “we’ll see” when you mean “no.” Children expect the truth; give it to them with love and kindness.

14. Never tell anyone you love them when you don’t.

15. Live in harmony with Nature: go into the outdoors, woods, mountains, sea, desert. It’s important for your soul.

16. Visit Ireland. It’s where the soul of our family was born — especially the West: Roscommon, Clare, and Kerry.

17. Hug people you love. Tell them how much they mean to you now; don’t wait until it’s too late.

18. Be grateful. There is an Irish saying: “This is a day in our lives, and it will not come again.” Live every day with this in mind."

Grandfather Of The Year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long... easy boy.” Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.” “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The brat’s name is Kevin.”

Dear Christine

Many parents struggle when they learn that their child is gay. In some instances, these parents literally disown their children. In a letter that has gone viral, one grandfather is apparently standing up to his daughter's decision in kicking her son out of her home, after finding out that he’s gay...

"Dear Christine:

I’m disappointed in you as a daughter. You’re correct that we have a ‘shame in the family,’ but mistaken about what it is.

Kicking Chad out of your home simply because he told you he was gay is the real ‘abomination’ here. A parent disowning her child is what goes ‘"against nature."

The only intelligent thing I heard you saying in all this was that "you didn't raise your son to be gay." Of course you didn't. He was born this way and didn't choose it any more than he being left-handed. You however, have made a choice of being hurtful, narrow-minded and backward. So, while we are in the business of [disowning] our children, I think I'll take this moment to say goodbye to you. I now have a fabulous (as the gay put it) grandson to raise, and I don't have time for heartless B-word of a daughter.

If you find your heart, give us a call.

- Dad"

Sugar You Up

I'm going to sugar you up and send you home after a whole day with no nap and giving in to every request... said EVERY Grandparent ever! ;-P