The History of Aprons

I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks and sometimes half hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes."

Good Trade

All women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo:

A woman is driving toward home in northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long etc, she stops the car and the Navajo woman gets in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag" offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

How To Tell You're In Southern California

As a native Southern Californian, I have to laugh at these truisms...

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings... and none are visible.

You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility, and tofu takeout.

You're thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between aromatherapy and conversational Mandarin.

Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.

The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You can't remember... is pot illegal?

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

Back-To-Back

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anyone in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?"asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses downing them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer, as the Texan looks on in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

The Fire

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 75. They had fled Europe after WW2, and formed their own town.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these aging Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though, elderly, Norse firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 82-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on the fookin truck!!!"

The Execution

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to their knees and beg for her forgiveness They then release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Oklahoma State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a stunningly beautiful young woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Hurry! Go get your mother."

The Cabin

A social worker from Chicago recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

The Confessional

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a large city's parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like "yes, I see," and "yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin thoughtfully with one hand, and repeats all the suggested remarks back to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and shouting, "Holy crap! What happened next?'"

Your Passport, Please...

An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been previously.

The lady sarcastically said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and waiting, Sir."

The gentleman said, "I didn't have to show it last time."

"Impossible!" The woman retorted, "You British have always had to show your passports to get through here."

The man responded by leaning in close to her and whispering “Well, when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!”

Why Aliens Fly Straight Past Us

The word "phonetically" doesn't even start with and 'f''. Sh*t like this is why aliens fly straight past us. As a native language English speaker, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to attempt to learn English as a second language. I was raised by a mother who was an English teacher, and I have an MA in Education, but even I have to stop and think about how words are spelled or if I'm using the correct spelling of "to", "too", or "two"... I seriously don't know how immigrants to this country do it...

How to Survive in the South

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from around here, are u?"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.

Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

And, if you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of the way, as these are likely the last words he'll ever say.

The Lift

As concierge at a posh resort in Colorado, I am often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple, who had just checked in after a long flight, came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

I'd Rather Live

I'd rather live here... than here!

The Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66) we decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... She had a spiked Mohawk with rainbow colors: green, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking at him, finding him staring every time. When she finally had enough, she sarcastically asked, "Ever do anything wild in your life, old man?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food, so I would not choke on his response. I knew it was going to me a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid, "I got stoned and had sex with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."

Different Drug Problem

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood, and, if my mother had even known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

(submitted by concerned citizen)


* This was retyped from a clipping from the Avoyelles Parish Newsletter

Canadian Accent

How Americans think Canadians say "about" versus how Canadians actually say it.