Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he whispered to the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? And what is your name?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed.

“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The same kind who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Fight Club

A gang of robbers broke into a politicians' club by mistake. The old political lions gave them a fight for their lives and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "At least we got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "You idiots! I warned you to stay clear of politicians! We had $100 when we broke in!"

Free Fridge

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To quickly get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this great deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale."

The next day someone stole it.

The Bank Robbery

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in dis bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line at Bank of America.

The Clerk

This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman, although he tried to contain himself, kept laughing through it...

A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took off the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine would not cooperate.

Meanwhile, another customer walked in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the surveillance camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber makes the sale to the second customer, who leaves as well.

The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in the store without gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasts well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.

The day after, excerpts of the tape were aired and the phones at the police station started ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was so stupid, he needed to be put in jail just for his own protection!

He turned himself in to the police that same day.

The Cat Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.

"No, no, no...  you don’t understand!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

The Cowboy

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot at the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot at him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."