Eight Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again..." she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, made her a nice big bowl of Froot Loops, and then took her to Adventure World. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot."

The Plan

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

The Magic Kingdom

A little girl wanted to go to Disneyland to meet Snow White, for she believed Snow White could help her to make her greatest dream come true.

Her Dream was to see her Daddy come home from Afghanistan, where he was completing his tour in the US Marine Corps.

So her mother took her to Disneyland and she met Snow White, who took her by her hand to the Wishing Well. Snow White then instructed her to close her eyes and make her wish, with all her heart... When the little girl opened up her eyes, to her great joy, she found that her Daddy had. indeed, magically appeared!

"Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit." ~ Wilma Rudolph

My Mother, My Teacher

My mother was my greatest teacher. Here are a few of the things she taught me...

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4.  My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.  My mother taught me IRONY : "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?

Second Thoughts

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

Older Siblings

Older siblings... the only people who will pick on you for entertainment, and beat up anyone else who tries

The BFG

In 1989, a little girl named Amy sent a bottle of colored water, oil and glitter to Roald Dahl, who knew right away that this was a dream in a bottle inspired by his book, The BFG. In response, the author penned this short note to his 7-year-old fan.

To All The Kids Who Survived

                      

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!