How To Win

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So, the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Cuban cigars.The partner was horrified.

"The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?" the partner asked.

"But I did send them," answered the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

The Power Of Prayer

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

Long Arm of the Law

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Pray For My Hearing

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now"?

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

A Man's Logic

A couple decide to divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main custodian of their child.

The judge tells both the man and woman that he would like a reason why either one of them should be the person to have primary custody of the child.

The judge asks the woman first. She tells him, "Well, I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and then I had to go through a painful birth process to bring him into this world. This is my child, as he is a part of me."

The judge is impressed and then turns to the man and asks him the same question.

The man replies, "Alright, your honor, using her logic... if I take a coin and put it in a soda vending machine and a soda comes out... please tell me, who does the drink belong to - me or the machine?"

More Brilliance From Our Legal Eagles...

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

8. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

9. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

10. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "How many were girls?"

11. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

12. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

13. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

14. Q: "You were shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

The Stinky House

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife, Edith, for his young sexy secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the Jake's attorneys were a little better, he prevailed.

He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table lit by candlelight. She put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed the half-eaten shrimp shells, that she had dipped in the caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

Jake moved in with his new girlfriend and all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided they had to move.

A month later even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods.

The Divorce

A man appears before a divorce court judge one day, asking for divorce.

The judge quietly reviews the court documents and then says to the man, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce?"

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The judge, lokking incredulous, replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month'!"

The Verdict

A man’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife had been in a big fight just before her disappearance, he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.

When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all the horrible threats that the accused made towards his wife, things were looking quite dim for the man.

The man’s lawyer got up to the stand. “Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the allegedly dead woman walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.

“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer, after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury found the man to be guilty.

“But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you beyond a reasonable doubt?” asked the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was one person who didn’t.”

“Who?” asked the indignant lawyer.

“Your client.”

Pregnat Woman on the Bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. At that point, she had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an ad which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved to a seat under an ad that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she  moved again and sat under a shaving ad that said, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' But, I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an ad which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"


He won the case.

Early Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

200 Blunt Words For Divorcing Parents

Minnesota Judge Has 200 Blunt Words 

for Divorcing Parents

By Judge Michael Haas

2001

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

Contempt of Court

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court

Yes, there is such a thing as a dumb question and it is usually asked by a dumb lawyer...

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”

“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”

“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

Court Date

So, I took your advice and danced like no one was watching. My court date is later this month.

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."