Sincerely, Edna

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Easter came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around with anticipation while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for getting my money back for me? Because of you, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful kindness... by the way, there was $4 missing... I think it might have been stolen by one of those jerks at the post office!

Sincerely,

Edna

Exact Age

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison: "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Please forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens Luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her, "Kiss my Ass!"

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters

My Retirement Plan

Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement. Then I saw an article about nursing homes and retirement homes and the expenses.

Suddenly it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan:

I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also leaves enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from the family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.

If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.

Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

The Nursing Home

The time had come and the decision was made for the family to make nursing care arrangements for the family matriarch, so they take the frail, elderly woman to the nursing home and leave her, praying she will be well cared for. 

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mother, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they anxiously ask her.

"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they're pretty rigid... they won’t even let you fart."

Did You See The Ball?

Dave is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,

"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Dave, "your brother's 103 years old. He can't help."

"He may be 103," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Dave heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Dave.

"I don't remember."

Veteran Fired For Giving A Homeless Man A Muffin

A 73-year-old veteran says he was fired from a Venice, Florida, Cracker Barrel restaurant for giving a needy man a few condiment packets and a corn muffin.

He admits it was against the restaurant’s rules, but says he thinks it was the right thing to do.

For three plus years Joe Koblenzer put on his brown and yellow Cracker Barrel apron and greeted those who come in to the Venice location.

“It’s a fun job. A job really suited to me,” Koblenzer said.

The 73-year-old says that a man, who looked like he might be homeless, came through the restaurant doors.

“He looked a little needy. He asked if I had any mayonnaise and some tartar sauce. He said he was going to cook a fish,” Koblenzer said.

The man whose job it is to be friendly obliged.

“I got it for him. As I walked out I put a corn muffin in,” Koblenzer said.

That gesture apparently cost Koblenzer his job.

“The general manager called me in and said he had some bad news for me. ‘Joe we are going to have to let you go,'” Koblenzer said.

He admits he’s been written up before. Two years ago for getting a fountain drink on the job and a second time for giving a cup of coffee to woman. He claims she actually paid for it.

Rules are rules.

“It’s a rule. They legally can do this because I did break the rule,” Koblenzer said.

Now the Vietnam vet who was trying to supplement his social security is the one down on his luck.

“Hurt me? Oh yeah it has,” Koblenzer said.

The debate over the seriousness of the event and the subsequent firing has started a fire storm online.

In the following days, the story got out on Facebook, on pages like the "Venice Scoop" and even the restaurant's own page.

While some say it’s the company’s right to do as they will, the establishment’s reviews have plummeted with more than 30 negative comments about the firing.

“I feel badly it shines a bad light on the company. I would not want that on any company but it happened,” Koblenzer said.

Koblenzer says he’s sad over the situation and misses the regulars and employees he’s gotten to know. Earning the maximum amount of stars on his apron for performance achievement and responsibility.

“You know what? At 73 I was really proud of doing this. I was really proud of getting those stars,” Koblenzer said.

He says, yes it was against the rules and yes they have a right to let him go. But morally it still feels like it was the right thing to do.

“I don’t think I will be working for a corporation again, so I don’t know if that will ever come up. Ha,” Koblenzer said.

Joe says he is looking for a new job but not quite sure yet what he will do.

A Cracker Barrel spokesperson provided the following statement to WWSB:

“During the time he was employed, he violated the company’s policies regarding consuming food without paying or giving away free food, on five separate occasions.

Mr. Koblenzer received multiple counselings and written warnings reminding him about the company’s policies and the consequences associated with violating them.

Cracker Barrel is grateful for and honors Mr. Koblenzer’s service to our country as we honor all service men and women and their families.”

Take Your Pick

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

Federal Reserve Retirement

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "Oh, you know, the same old stuff ... church, church, church."

It's Important At Our Age

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a jerk. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Wal-Mart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.