How To Change Your Oil

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up mess.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
Drink beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Drink beer.
Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Beer.
Test drive car.
Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Make bail.
Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

Beer $25.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Total - $4150.00

But you know the job was done right.

God At Work

PLEASE LOOK CLOSELY AT PHOTO ONE (Don't go to the second photo until you look at the first very closely)

This is an interesting, even breathtaking couple of photos.
Be sure to read the 1st caption below picture before going to the 2nd photo.
Look closely at the first photo take your time… then scroll down.

Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert, where the people are standing on the road, pointing... The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling... The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises. This occurred just outside Flagstaff , AZ , on U.S. Hwy 100.

Now look at the second picture below...

If God isn't done with you, then God isn't done with you!

Dave

Dave was in deep trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds, AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife awoke, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing for a week now. Please pray for him.

The Race

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a Doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"