Showing posts with label Grandma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandma. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The History of Aprons


I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks and sometimes half hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes."

Monday, February 9, 2015

Same Taste


Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known
for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was
looking for.

Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me
holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along:
despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.

"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Sleeping Pills


A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks and believe me, it helps me to sleep at night!"

Thursday, January 29, 2015

When Grandma Goes To Court


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Friday, January 9, 2015

Honk If You Love Jesus


Got a letter from Grandma the other day...


Dear Billy,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then leaned out of his window and screamed "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of people were so caught up in joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,


Grandma

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Going To Miami


Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”

“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”

“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”

“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”

“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We're going to Miami!”

“Huh?” His Grandpa asked. “Why’s that?”

“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak, we're all going to Miami!”

Thursday, January 1, 2015

When I'm An Old Lady


When I'm an old lady, I'll go live with my children and bring them great joy!

To repay all I've had, from each girl and boy. I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed... and whenever they scold me, I'll 
just hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk, to complete every meal. Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes, as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be, to live with my children... the way they lived with me!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Mother's Milk


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Best Part of Waking Up


Mary was surprised by her 8 year old grandson one morning when he got coffee for her while she was still in bed.

She drank what had to be the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She asked him, “Sweetheart, what are the army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV – ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

[It’s a play on a well-known coffee commercial in which the slogan was, “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup.”]

Friday, October 31, 2014

The Farm


Agnes was 101 years old and had been a professional comedian for 54 years. She knew she was on her last legs and got the nursing staff to contact her granddaughter, her only living relative.

Her granddaughter flew in to be by her bedside and could plainly see that Agnes was near her end. Agnes weakly hugged her and asked her to pull up a chair. Her grandchild leaned in close and Agnes whispered, " Sweetie, I am leaving you everything I own including my farm. That includes the villa, tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse, orchards and $22,398,750.59 in cash.

Her granddaughter, who was absolutely floored by the realization that she was about to become very rich, said " Oh Granny you are so very generous! I did not know you even had a farm, where is it ?"

With the last of her strength, and her very last breath, Agnes whispered... " On Facebook"

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Get Out Of The Car!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's sear. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tied, and then she realized why. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four of five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.


Moral of the story? It you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sugar You Up

I'm going to sugar you up and send you home after a whole day with no nap and giving in to every request... said EVERY Grandparent ever! ;-P

Monday, September 9, 2013

If You Need Me

"If you need me, call me. I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems or if I'm angry at you. If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you. No matter how big or small your problem is, I'll be there. " ~ Unknown

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Walking With Grandma

 
Walking With Grandma
 
I like to walk with Grandma, her steps are short like mine. She doesn't say "Now hurry up." She always takes her time. I like to walk with Grandma, her eyes see things like mine do... Wee pebbles bright, a funny cloud, half hidden drops of dew, Most people have to hurry, they do not stop to see. I'm glad God made Grandma, unrushed and young like me.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Best Medicine In The World...

The best medicine in the world is a grandmother's hug... nothing feels better than feeling loved... : )

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

How Much A Heart Can Hold

"I never knew how much a heart can hold, until someone called me Grandma" I love this, as some of my fondest memories involve both my grandmas and grandpas. At 53, I would so desperately love to be a grandma, but at this point, it's not looking to hopeful with the two players I gave birth to...