Crossing The River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream, and walked across the bridge.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Meanwhile, across the street, a new Wives Store has recently opened.

The first floor has wives that love romance.

The second floor has wives that love romance and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited...

How I Got an Ostrich

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asked them for their orders.

The man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

She turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?" she asked the ostrich.

"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order. "That will be $9.40, please." And the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich said, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," said the man.

"Same," said the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress could not hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress asked, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Anniversary Wishes

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh! immediately he turned ninety.

Gotta love fairies!

Meals On Wheels

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

The Magic Kingdom

A little girl wanted to go to Disneyland to meet Snow White, for she believed Snow White could help her to make her greatest dream come true.

Her Dream was to see her Daddy come home from Afghanistan, where he was completing his tour in the US Marine Corps.

So her mother took her to Disneyland and she met Snow White, who took her by her hand to the Wishing Well. Snow White then instructed her to close her eyes and make her wish, with all her heart... When the little girl opened up her eyes, to her great joy, she found that her Daddy had. indeed, magically appeared!

"Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit." ~ Wilma Rudolph

Be Careful What You Wish For

Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the bartender hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.

The bartender liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. The bartender went over and asked the guy what was up.

So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rubbed it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."

The bartender asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"

"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."

The Prince

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy."

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime.

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

The Bridge

A man was happily riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Three Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

ATTENTION FEMALE READERS: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good about yourselves!

Male readers: Please scroll down...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife and lived a long life! Moral of the story: Women aren't always as smart as they pretend, but let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!