The Evolution of Teaching Math

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2—meanwhile I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she called the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and finally cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In The 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In The 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In The 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In The 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you think of this way of making a living?


Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers; if you feel like crying, it's OK.)

Teaching Math In The 2000s
Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the Government says it's okay anyway because it is redistributing the wealth of the country.

Gun Control

The President was at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, when he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total awe.

Then he bent forward and said into the microphone, "Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence."

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet when he said with great indignation: ''Well, then stop clapping!"

Computer Language

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House,” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(This gets better!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that “computer” should be masculine (el computador), because:
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data, but still can’t think for themselves;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotton a better model.

The women won!

Jonah And The Whale

In an elementary school lesson, one little girl in the class raised her hand and said, “I just learned that Jonah in the Bible was swallowed by a whale.”

The teacher explained that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The girl did not believe him and replied, "I am almost certain Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

"I am telling you, it is not possible," replied the teacher.

The little girl raised her hand again. "My Sunday school teacher told me Jonah was swallowed by a whale and she would not lie to me.”

Frustrated, the teacher replied, "That is a 'story' from the bible, it is not factual, and I will not argue with you anymore."

After a little thought, the girl finally responded, "Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah myself."

In an attempt to fluster the little girl, the teacher replied, "What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?"

The girl quickly responded,"Okay, then YOU ask him."

Speaking Role

A little boy tried out for the school play and was chosen for a part. He went home and excitedly told his father.

His father was very proud of him and asked him what role he was going to play.

The boy told him he was playing the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him and said "That's terrific, son! Maybe next year you'll get a speaking role!"

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Please forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens Luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her, "Kiss my Ass!"

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters

Professor Bonk

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by a Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...

WHICH TIRE? (Worth 95 points)

Press Any Key

This is the actual message that the Palisades Charter High School (in Pacific Palisades, California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This came about because they had implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for student absences and missing homework. The school and teachers were being sued by parents who wanted their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:"

"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1"

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2"

"To complain about what we do - Press 3"

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5"

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6"

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7"

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8"

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9"

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0"

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"

When Did You Graduate?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" If so, you're gonna love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he beamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1967. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"

The Human Body

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

How's Fido Doing?

A young boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father, who is well-known for his gullibility, "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this... they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy."

English Is Fun

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the board, and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Lip Prints On The Mirror

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

A Lesson In Good Manners

A teacher who was trying to teach her students good manners, asked them the following question:

"Johnny, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you politely tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Johnny said, "Just a minute. I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Billy, how would you say it?’

Billy said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Jimmy, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Jimmy said, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I would like to introduce to you after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted.

The Middle Wife

This is one my favorite kid stories, as told by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher...

"I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along."

Mother's Milk

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was: "Name seven advantages of mother's milk."

The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages. 

He wrote:

1.  It is a perfect formula for the child.

2.  It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.  It is always available as needed.

4.  It is always at the right temperature.

5.  It is inexpensive.

6.  It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:

7.  It comes in cute containers.

He was the only student to ace the exam.

The Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Season Pass

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

New Principal

As a new school principal, Mr. Anderson was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The custodian looked at him quizzically and replied, "We trust them with the children, don't we?"