Fun Things to Do in a Department Store

Fun Things to Do in a Department Store

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and leaving them at random locations in the store.
2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals during the day.
4. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
5. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
6. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares!" and see what happens.
7. Tune all the radios to a polka station then turn them all off and turn the volumes to full.
8. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
9. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
10. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
11. Move the "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
12. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
13. Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
14. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
15. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
16. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
17. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
18. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
19. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
20. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
21. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
22. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" with various funnels.
23. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick me! Pick me!" scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
24. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
26. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
27. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.
28. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink, explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Letter from Walmart

After I retired, my wife began insisting that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be boring and prefer to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women in that she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart...

Dear Mrs. Smith:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

The Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a Labrador Retriever that I was taking care of. While I was at Walmart, buying a large bag of dog food for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).

On impulse, I told her no and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, even though I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I told her I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my privates when a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.

Bras At Walmart

Why do they sell bras at Walmart? I appear to be the only one wearing one when I'm in the store.

To All The Mothers

...And here's to all the mothers who have survived Walmart on a Saturday, and still have custody of their children.

Feeling Glamorous

I've never felt so glamorous, as I do at Walmart.

Wal-Mart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.