Name That Christmas Carol

Clues: 1. Bleached Yule 2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration 3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors 4. Righteous Darkness 5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless 6. Loyal Followers Advance 7. Far Off in a Feeder 8. Array the Corridor 9. Bantam Male Percussionist 10. Monarchial Triad 11. Nocturnal Noiselessness 12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers 13. Red Man En Route to Borough 14. Frozen Precipitation Commence 15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle 16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis 17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant 18. Delight for this Planet 19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings 20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Answers: 1. White Christmas 2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire 3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth 4. O Holy Night 5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear 6. O Come, All Ye Faithful 7. Away in a Manger 8. Deck the Hall 9. Little Drummer Boy 10. We Three Kings 11. Silent Night 12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen 13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town 14. Let it Snow 15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain 16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer 17. What Child is This? 18. Joy to the World 19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing 20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

My Favorite Christmas Jokes

Merry Christmas, everyone! Here are a few of my favorite corny Christmas jokes...

* Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: a wrapper!

* For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty boys.

* Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

* There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

* Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

* Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas... I woke up in a box.

* Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

* The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

* Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.

* A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy right now.

* Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up? A: It doesn’t have legs.

* Dear Santa, I was framed.

* Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate clauses

* This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

* The 4 stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus 3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus.

* I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

Top Ten Uses For Holiday Fruitcake

The following are the top ten uses for holiday fruitcake:

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.

Have fun with your holiday fruit cake!

The Three Wise Firemen

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Early Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

The Twelve Days of Fast Food

On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheeeese...

A Kiss Goodbye

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Have You Ever Noticed?

Have you ever noticed that...

* You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
* Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
* Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
* Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
* Santa travels a lot.

Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

Santa Pursuit

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,

Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung on the wall with great care,

Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.

I was working the night shift compiling stats,

Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,

I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter.

I opened the door with a creak and a crick,

And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture a time or two,

He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!"

"Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees."

But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew,

With me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh,

Throwing down toys and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack,

I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank,

And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear.

Then I got off three rounds and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say,

as he sailed into the blue,

"Merry Christmas to all!

My Lawyers will sue!"

The Prince

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy."

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime.

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

What Is Your Snowman Name?

So, if you were a snowman, what would your name be?You don't have to wonder anymore, you can find out now!

The 12 Days of Christmas

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

December 14, 2012
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes

December 15, 2012
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at... your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16, 2012
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes

December 17, 2012
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 2012
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19, 2012
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 2012
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 2012
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their freaking cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes

December 22, 2012
Hey Sh*thead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes

December 23, 2012
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those tramps ladies. They've been messing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

December 24, 2012
Listen A**hole:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you psychopath!
Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25, 2012
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and CholeSee More

My Gift Wrapping Abilities

My gift wrapping abilities are equal to those of a blind chimpanzee on meth.

Christmas Decorations

There are two kinds of people when they see Christmas decorations at a store. "It begins." and "Santa's coming!"

When The Clock Strikes Midnight

And when the clock strikes midnight, Halloween will end and then BAM!!! Christmas carols EVERYWHERE!!!

You Facebook Updates

I've seen your Facebook updates... you'll get a dictionary for Christmas... there are times, I truly wish there was a Santa Claus and that he could see all the "children" who are being naughty or nice and he can do that by opening a Facebook account.... ;-P