My Dinner Date

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman loves you too, and she would love to spend some time with you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

"What's wrong, are you well?" she asked. My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I responded. "Just the two of us."

She thought about it for a moment, and then said... "I would like that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up, I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's.

"I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting."

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.

"It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said.

"Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation - nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home.

"Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son."

At that moment I understood the importance of saying, in time, "I LOVE YOU."

And to give our loved ones the time they deserve. Because nothing is more important in life than family... and they shouldn't be put off until "some other time.”

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom

I read this on scarymommy.com and nearly choked on my coffee! These are the 25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom:

1. At least half of your meals consist of your child’s leftovers.

2. When your husband asks, “what did you do today?” you can’t muster up a single thing to report, despite feeling like you’ve been put through the spin cycle of the washing machine.

3. Your kids ask where you are going when you put on jeans.

4. You can clean your entire house with a package of baby wipes.

5. A “night out” is roaming the aisles at Target alone.

6. The TV has been on all day, but you have no idea what’s happening in world news.

7. Showering is a major accomplishment.

8. Your kids see you naked more often than your husband.

9. You actually know what the fox says, or what it could say at least, because 50% of your time is spent making animal sounds.

10. Your mood depends solely on the length of time your child napped for.

11. Putting a bra on means someone special is coming over.

12. On the way out the door, You look down at your kids crusty food on your shirt and think to yourself, eh, it’s not that bad. Or worse, you pick it off and actually taste it.

13. You fake stomach problems once your husband gets home, just so you can be alone in your own bathroom.

14. Your dog barks when you put “real” shoes on.

15. You have invited Jehovahs Witnesses in on more than one occasion, and scared them off after asking if they’d like a dirty martini.

16. You have to check the weather outside before you head out because you have no idea how cold or warm it is because you haven’t been out in days.

17. You consider going on Facebook “spending time with your friends.”

18. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for a couple days in a row…and you’re not sure exactly how many “a couple” means.

19. You’ve contemplated performing your own hysterectomy while preparing dinner… more than once.

20. Your vacuum cleaner is a permanent fixture in [insert the busiest room in the house] and hasn’t been unplugged for three months.

21. You have no idea what the date or day of the week is, but you can tell what time it is just by what cartoon is on TV.

22. It’s only 9AM and you’ve thought “I need a drink.”

23. You’re nursing an infant on the toilet while simultaneously scheduling a doctor’s visit.

24. The cup of coffee you are drinking at lunch is the cup you made at 5:30am, just reheated for the 100th time.

25. You don’t want to go to bed at night because the silence is just too beautiful, no matter how tired you are.

Scud Missiles

Okay, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using female products... correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok... A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard... and VOILA... here is only ONE tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL... I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD... at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them???

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND! GO PLAY!"

Mother-Of-The-Bride

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the
PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed Mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new Young
wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother's! Jennifer asked the
new wife to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not. I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they
went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for
lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, aren't you going to return the other
dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

A Mother's Dictionary

A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Murphy's Laws Of Parenting

Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...

1. A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

3. A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

4. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

6. Celibacy is not hereditary.

7. Familiarity breeds children.

8. For adult education, nothing beats children.

9. God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

10. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

11. Having children will turn you into your parents.

12. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

13. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

14. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

15. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

16. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

17. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

18. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

19. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma Bombeck

20. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

21. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

22. The best thing to spend on your children is time.

23. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

24. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

25. You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.

The Adoption

A blond married couple were delighted when, finally, their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a beautiful Russian baby boy and the couple agreed to adopt him, without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

The Gravy Ladle

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian 

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: 

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY: NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

The Plan

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Tea For Daddy

A toddler was giving her Daddy a tea party, she was happily bringing cups of water for her Daddy.

After several cups, her Mommy came home. Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him the cup of tea, because it was,"Just the cutest thing!"

Mommy waited and sure enough, she came down the hall with a cup of water for Daddy. She watched him drink it up in horror and says.."You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

The Mini-Midwife

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic was available to respond to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Baby Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for all her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen with great indignation responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place! Smack his bottom again!"

Baby Planes

A mother and her inquisitive young son were flying American Airlines from Los Angeles to Chicago.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because American always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Goodbye Mom

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

What Having Kids Has Taught Me

Let me tell you... when you have kids, you find out so many interesting things, such as...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and clorox mix.....(but, boys, it's toxic, so wear a mask)

The Nursing Home

The time had come and the decision was made for the family to make nursing care arrangements for the family matriarch, so they take the frail, elderly woman to the nursing home and leave her, praying she will be well cared for. 

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mother, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they anxiously ask her.

"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they're pretty rigid... they won’t even let you fart."

A Man's Logic

A couple decide to divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main custodian of their child.

The judge tells both the man and woman that he would like a reason why either one of them should be the person to have primary custody of the child.

The judge asks the woman first. She tells him, "Well, I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and then I had to go through a painful birth process to bring him into this world. This is my child, as he is a part of me."

The judge is impressed and then turns to the man and asks him the same question.

The man replies, "Alright, your honor, using her logic... if I take a coin and put it in a soda vending machine and a soda comes out... please tell me, who does the drink belong to - me or the machine?"

Bad Baby

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s office.

"Why is your stomach so big?” he asks.

“I´m having a baby.” she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, with his eyes wide.

“Yes, it is.” she says.

“Is it a good baby?” he asks, with a puzzled look.

“Oh, yes. A very good baby.” the lady replies.

Obviously shocked and very surprised, he cries out, “Then why did you eat him?!”

Just Like Mother

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

The Immaculate Conception

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologists office. The concerned mother asked the gynecologist to examine her daughter. “She has been having strange symptoms for the past few weeks and I’m worried about her,” she said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother was flabbergasted. “That’s nonsense! I know my daughter, she has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the daughter and asked, “you don’t do you dear?”

“No Mummy,” she said, “you know that I would never so much as kiss a man!”

The doctor looked at the mother, then at the daughter and back again. He then silently stood up and stood next to a window staring out. He continued staring until the silence compelled the mother to ask, “Doctor, is there something out there?”

“No, madam” he said. “It’s just that the last time something like this happened a star appeared in the East. I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”