Just Three Words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Who's George?

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband! Is this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom

I read this on scarymommy.com and nearly choked on my coffee! These are the 25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom:

1. At least half of your meals consist of your child’s leftovers.

2. When your husband asks, “what did you do today?” you can’t muster up a single thing to report, despite feeling like you’ve been put through the spin cycle of the washing machine.

3. Your kids ask where you are going when you put on jeans.

4. You can clean your entire house with a package of baby wipes.

5. A “night out” is roaming the aisles at Target alone.

6. The TV has been on all day, but you have no idea what’s happening in world news.

7. Showering is a major accomplishment.

8. Your kids see you naked more often than your husband.

9. You actually know what the fox says, or what it could say at least, because 50% of your time is spent making animal sounds.

10. Your mood depends solely on the length of time your child napped for.

11. Putting a bra on means someone special is coming over.

12. On the way out the door, You look down at your kids crusty food on your shirt and think to yourself, eh, it’s not that bad. Or worse, you pick it off and actually taste it.

13. You fake stomach problems once your husband gets home, just so you can be alone in your own bathroom.

14. Your dog barks when you put “real” shoes on.

15. You have invited Jehovahs Witnesses in on more than one occasion, and scared them off after asking if they’d like a dirty martini.

16. You have to check the weather outside before you head out because you have no idea how cold or warm it is because you haven’t been out in days.

17. You consider going on Facebook “spending time with your friends.”

18. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for a couple days in a row…and you’re not sure exactly how many “a couple” means.

19. You’ve contemplated performing your own hysterectomy while preparing dinner… more than once.

20. Your vacuum cleaner is a permanent fixture in [insert the busiest room in the house] and hasn’t been unplugged for three months.

21. You have no idea what the date or day of the week is, but you can tell what time it is just by what cartoon is on TV.

22. It’s only 9AM and you’ve thought “I need a drink.”

23. You’re nursing an infant on the toilet while simultaneously scheduling a doctor’s visit.

24. The cup of coffee you are drinking at lunch is the cup you made at 5:30am, just reheated for the 100th time.

25. You don’t want to go to bed at night because the silence is just too beautiful, no matter how tired you are.

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again! What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man - I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of stupid snow last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the restroom. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6" today. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at about 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that stupid snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THAT WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

God In His Infinite Wisdom

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Then ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

The Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and no longer worked, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the motorcycle, the car, e-mail, fishing... always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her lying in the tall grass, busily snipping away at each blade of grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway!"

The doctors say I may eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp.

The Well-Dressed Salesman

A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.

"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."

"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.

"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"

"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"

"Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."

Mike

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!?!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house, he didn't brake properly and BOOM! He hit the curb, the car flipped over, and he went flying through the sunroof, into the air, and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No, no, he survived that... that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and there's broken glass all over the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No, no, that didn't kill him... he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling water, and whoosh, the whole thing came down on him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, with hot water all around him and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got walloped... 10,000 volts shot straight through him."

"Now, that is one awful way to go!"

"No, no, he survived that..."

"Hold on, now, just how the hell did he die?"

"My wife shot him."

"Your wife shot him? What the hell did she shoot him for?"

"For messing up her clean house!"

What Did You Do Today?

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed upstairs, stepping over more toys and piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her in bewilderment and asked, “What.. happened... here... today?”

She smiled and answered, “You know, every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did you do today?”

“Yes,” he replied incredulously.

“Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Doing the Laundry

One day my tall, dark, and handsome, housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say we blondes are dumb...

The Date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.

His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

The Honeymoon's Over

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So, how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed... they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset! Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."

Organize Chores

I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Thing's I won't do later; Things I'll never do...

How To Clean The House

Maxine On How To Clean The House...

1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4 Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5 Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete 'Housework' permanently?" 6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

Sometimes I Apologize

Sometimes I apologize for my messy house even though it looks great so guests will think it is usually kept in immaculate condition.

ADKD

ADKD: Attention Deficit Kid Disorder: When you attempt to do laundry, but first must fix a blanket fort, sing the ABCs, find that ONE toy, and... hang on... someone's crying...

Rich Housewife

I work hard at my job, but if the opportunity to become a rich housewife arises, I'm taking it.

An Older Tired Looking Dog...

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

It's Amazing

It's amazing how quickly kids can learn to drive a car yet are unable to understand a lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.

It's Sunday

Why yes, I am wearing sweat today. I also didn't fix my hair or put on make-up. It's Sunday. You're lucky I'm wearing a bra.