My Mom's A Celebrity

Moms picking up their kids from preschool are like celebrities...someone is yelling your name, pushing past people to get to you & bragging to everyone that they know you. Definitely makes my day after having such a difficult one with people who are old enough to be in the workplace, but who behave as though they should be in preschool instead.

The Gas Station

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

Our Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. 

His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." 

The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce." 

"I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. 

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Time And Place

There's a time and a place for wine, in my hand and now.

Close Enough To Walk

Darling, you don't need to drive me crazy... I am close enough to walk.

Sometimes I Can't Tell

Sometimes even I can't tell if I'm being sarcastic or if I'm really a bitch.

Netflix

Netflix, please stop with the recommendations. You don't know me. you don't know what I've been through.

My Best Relationship Advice

The best relationship advice I can give you is make sure you're the crazy one.

Nothing Messes Up Your Friday

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.

Best Mommy Friends

When I first met you and discovered you were a Mommy too... With tattoos, a potty mouth, and suffer from occasional word vomit, I knew we'd be Best friends Forever.

Have Some Fun

Have some fun with your life! Starting tomorrow, call out sick to places you don't even work at.

Xanax Monday

It's just another Xanax Monday... I wish it were Sunday... ;-P

Yes, I Walked Away...

Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.

If I Could Give You One Thing

If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself though my eyes and see what a piece of crap you are... ;-P

The Moment

The moment when one of your favorite songs comes on and in your mind you can still do all the dance moves.

Before You Marry

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." ~ Will Ferrell

Court Date

So, I took your advice and danced like no one was watching. My court date is later this month.

Your Secrets

Your secrets are safe with me, because there's a good chance I was not listening.

Full Moon

There's only so much you can blame on the full moon. The rest is just everyday bat-shit crazy people being themselves.

Too Many People

Too many people are walking around unmediated, unsupervised, and affecting my life.