The Diagnosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

The Glass

A psychology professor walks around on a stage while teaching stress management principles to an auditorium filled with students. As she raises a glass of water, everyone expects her to ask the typical “is the glass half empty or glass half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, the professor asks, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Students shout out answers ranging from eight ounces to a couple pounds.

She replies, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache a little. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

As the class shakes their heads in agreement, she continues, “Your stresses and worries in life are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to ache a little. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed - incapable of doing anything else until you drop them. It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses and worries. No matter what happens during the day, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the night and into the next day with you. If you still feel the weight of yesterday’s stress, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the glass down."

How To Love Your Job

When you are having an "I hate my job" kind of day, try this little technique out...

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone, so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins...

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."
7. Now close your eyes and repeat out loud fifty times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

Having A Rough Day?

Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works:

1.  Picture yourself near a stream.

2.  Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3.  No one but you knows your secret place.

4.  You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5.  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6.  The water is crystal clear.

7.  You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

See! You're smiling already!

I Need A Vacation

I need a vacation, but I'm broke. Wonder how far away Calgon. Xanax, and margaritas will take me?

Wal-Mart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Stressed

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not! Sugar industry conspiracy? I think so! ;-P