A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"
The duck replies, "I'm drywalling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"
"Is that so?"
"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained. "The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"
The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why the hell would a circus need a drywaller?"
A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the freaking ship?"
A burglar broke into a home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he whispered to the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? And what is your name?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed.
“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The same kind who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asked them for their orders.
The man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
She turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?" she asked the ostrich.
"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order. "That will be $9.40, please." And the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich said, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," said the man.
"Same," said the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brought the order and said, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The waitress could not hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.
The waitress asked, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, paused and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot."
"Holy crap" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?"
"Well" the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can’t afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The man is delighted!
One day he comes home from work, and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims, "and she let him?"
"Yes."
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?!?"
"DUNNO... I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch..."
Kindness can be such a random act... it's such acts that makes this world a nicer place to live in...
