My Mom's A Celebrity

Moms picking up their kids from preschool are like celebrities...someone is yelling your name, pushing past people to get to you & bragging to everyone that they know you. Definitely makes my day after having such a difficult one with people who are old enough to be in the workplace, but who behave as though they should be in preschool instead.

Act a Fool

A time out? No, no...it's called a spanking. Go on. Act a fool. I'll demonstrate.

Where is God?

A loving couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were just terrible kids always getting in trouble.

Running out of ideas, they decided to look to the church.

They heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they called him, and he agreed to give a shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Now where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question even louder, "Where is God!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy suddenly ran out of the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in a BIG mess of trouble this time. God has gone missing and they think WE did it!"

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say...

"When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'"

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today?

Just by sending this to someone else, you will probably make them at least think about their influence on others.

It's never too late to: Stop... Look... and LISTEN.

The Joys of Raising a Child

I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!!

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family.

Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich."

It is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

Glimpses of God every day

Giggles under the covers every night.

More love than your heart can hold.

Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.

A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.

You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broke heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS. Cherish the memories, time is so fleeting.

Murphy's Laws Of Parenting

Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...

1. A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

3. A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

4. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

6. Celibacy is not hereditary.

7. Familiarity breeds children.

8. For adult education, nothing beats children.

9. God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

10. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

11. Having children will turn you into your parents.

12. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

13. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

14. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

15. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

16. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

17. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

18. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

19. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma Bombeck

20. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

21. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

22. The best thing to spend on your children is time.

23. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

24. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

25. You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.

The Prayer

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which one the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I need the condoms because I think that tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then afterward, we're going to the movies. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get "lucky" after that."

He leans in and winks at the pharmacist and says, "Once she's had me, she'll want it all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He gives the prayer, but then continues quietly praying to himself for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

The Plan

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Tea For Daddy

A toddler was giving her Daddy a tea party, she was happily bringing cups of water for her Daddy.

After several cups, her Mommy came home. Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him the cup of tea, because it was,"Just the cutest thing!"

Mommy waited and sure enough, she came down the hall with a cup of water for Daddy. She watched him drink it up in horror and says.."You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

Press Any Key

This is the actual message that the Palisades Charter High School (in Pacific Palisades, California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This came about because they had implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for student absences and missing homework. The school and teachers were being sued by parents who wanted their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:"

"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1"

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2"

"To complain about what we do - Press 3"

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5"

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6"

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7"

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8"

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9"

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0"

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"

What Having Kids Has Taught Me

Let me tell you... when you have kids, you find out so many interesting things, such as...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and clorox mix.....(but, boys, it's toxic, so wear a mask)

The IRS Sent This Five Year-Old Boy A Letter About His Taxes

They say taxes are a certainty of life, although that isn’t true for most 5 year-olds. However, there’s one little boy who must file an individual tax return for a variety of reasons. So when he received a letter from the IRS questioning several items on his most recent return, his mother naturally responded for him. She received this in return (regarding her 5 year-old son):

“Dear Mr. Smith: we don’t recognize Susan F. Smith as someone authorized to discuss your tax file. If you want Susan F. Smith to be authorized to discuss your return we suggest you go online and submit form 8892 and form, etc.” Since the government already had the little boy’s Social Security Number and knew he was a minor, his parents were perplexed. So, they naturally decided that he should write the IRS himself. This is his letter:

Always Be Kind

The doctor entered the hospital hurriedly, after being called in for emergency surgery. He changed his clothes quickly and went directly to the surgerical floor.

He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for him.

Upon seeing him, the father cried out, “What took you so long? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”

The doctor smiled and said, “I'm sorry, but I wasn’t at the hospital when I received the call. I came as fast as I could and now I wish you’d please calm down, so that I can go to work.”

“Calm down?!" The father exclaimed. "What if it was your son who was in that room right now on the verge of death, would you calm down??”he angrily asked.

The doctor smiled again wearily and replied, “I would say to you what Job said, “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.” I will do my best for your son, but only by God’s grace.”

“Giving advice, when it's not your loved one involved, is so easy,” murmured the father, as the doctor rushed into surgery.

The surgery took some hours after which the doctor came out smiling, “I'm pleased to report that the surgery was a success and your son is in stable condition.” Without waiting for the father’s reply, he then hurried off, calling out as he left, “If you have any questions, please ask the nurse!!”

“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait a few minutes so that I could ask about my son’s state?” Commented the father, upon seeing the nurse moments later.

“His son was killed in a car accident and he was at the funeral when the call for your son came through. He was running so that he could go finish burying his own son,” the nurse replied.

Remember, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about... Be kind. Always.

200 Blunt Words For Divorcing Parents

Minnesota Judge Has 200 Blunt Words 

for Divorcing Parents

By Judge Michael Haas

2001

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

My Father, My Teacher

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, "Why does the boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you'll never learn nothin'."

Bad Advice

Jane came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" he asked.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Second Thoughts

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

All Aboard!

A few days after Christmas, Martha was in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell, "All you sons of b*tches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b*tches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving."

Martha went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and Martha heard him say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

The Bicycle

For his birthday, little Billy asked for a bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Billy heading out the front door with his backpack stuffed with clothes, so he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Billy told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. Sorry, but there's no way I'm staying here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Daddy's A Gamer!

My daddy is a geek! But I'm living proof he scored at least once.