Dave

Dave was in deep trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds, AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife awoke, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing for a week now. Please pray for him.

The Twelve Days of Fast Food

On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheeeese...

I Am Me

I don't have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I'm far from being considered a model. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars, because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won't change. And if I love you, I do it with my heart. I make no apologies for the way I am, for I am me. <3

My Scale

My scale is trying to make me feel fat again. Jealous lying whore.

The Curse

To the 20-something skinny girl making fun of the mom "with cellulite" pushing the stroller - I hope you have a baby with a HUGE head someday.

My Diet

My diet can best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."

Some Day

Some day I'll be skinny... today is not that day.

The Only Reason

The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.

I Wish I Could

I wish I could lose weight as easy as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, my temper and even my mind!

That Moment

That moment you think you're losing weight, and then you remember you haven't washed your jeans in a week.

I Wish

I wish I were as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

My Daydreams

Unfortunately, my daydreams about being skinny are always interrupted by the sound of my own chewing.

Chalk Outline

All I ask is that if I'm ever murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Bitching

Too bad bitching doesn't burn calories, because if it did, I'd be a freaking supermodel!

Not What I Ordered

This is not what I ordered... this is exactly how I feel when I'm on a diet... in my head, I've ordered the double cheeseburger, large fries, and regular Coke... when my actual order of a salad with diet dressing arrives, I always feel like this... ;-P

I Used To Skinny Dip

I used to skinny dip... now I chunky dunk... true story! ;-P

Fitness Protection Program

I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the Fitness Protection Program. ;-)

Eating Disorder

I have an eating disorder... I'm about to eat dis order of fries... dis order of wings... and dis order of nuggets.

Free Fashion Advice

Want to get rid of that muffin-top fast? Try wearing pants that fit.

Hourglass With Extra Minutes

I finally figured out my body type. It's hourglass with extra minutes.