The Mini-Midwife

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic was available to respond to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Baby Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for all her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen with great indignation responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place! Smack his bottom again!"

The Cure

A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Well, yes I did, and I bet her hiccups are gone now!"

The Immaculate Conception

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologists office. The concerned mother asked the gynecologist to examine her daughter. “She has been having strange symptoms for the past few weeks and I’m worried about her,” she said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother was flabbergasted. “That’s nonsense! I know my daughter, she has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the daughter and asked, “you don’t do you dear?”

“No Mummy,” she said, “you know that I would never so much as kiss a man!”

The doctor looked at the mother, then at the daughter and back again. He then silently stood up and stood next to a window staring out. He continued staring until the silence compelled the mother to ask, “Doctor, is there something out there?”

“No, madam” he said. “It’s just that the last time something like this happened a star appeared in the East. I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”

Pregnat Woman on the Bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. At that point, she had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an ad which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved to a seat under an ad that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she  moved again and sat under a shaving ad that said, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' But, I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an ad which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"


He won the case.

Exercise Is Good For You

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" 

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

Who Is This?

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to rush to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor, “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”

The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”

“SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor.

“NO, YOU IDIOT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”