How Would You Like It?

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

God In His Infinite Wisdom

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Then ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Please forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens Luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her, "Kiss my Ass!"

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters

The Model

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer the negligee, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on."

So, she decided she would do the modeling naked, return the negligee the following day, and keep the $500 refund for herself.

She appears naked on the stair landing and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it."

He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday, at noon. Closed coffin.

The Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and no longer worked, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the motorcycle, the car, e-mail, fishing... always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her lying in the tall grass, busily snipping away at each blade of grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway!"

The doctors say I may eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Dave

Dave was in deep trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds, AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife awoke, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing for a week now. Please pray for him.

The Celebration

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" exclaims the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Excerpt From A California Radio Show

Female newscaster: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?" Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting..." 

Female newscaster: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" 

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why; they'll be properly supervised on the range." 

Female newscaster: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" 

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range disipline before they even touch a firearm." 

Female newscaster: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." 

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The Punishment

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

The Stinky House

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife, Edith, for his young sexy secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the Jake's attorneys were a little better, he prevailed.

He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table lit by candlelight. She put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed the half-eaten shrimp shells, that she had dipped in the caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

Jake moved in with his new girlfriend and all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided they had to move.

A month later even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods.

The Verdict

A man’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife had been in a big fight just before her disappearance, he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.

When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all the horrible threats that the accused made towards his wife, things were looking quite dim for the man.

The man’s lawyer got up to the stand. “Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the allegedly dead woman walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.

“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer, after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury found the man to be guilty.

“But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you beyond a reasonable doubt?” asked the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was one person who didn’t.”

“Who?” asked the indignant lawyer.

“Your client.”

Last Night

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks, "Is everything alright?"

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"

"Yeah, except tonight is the last night."

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

Wake Up

A man and his wife had an argument and, afterwards, were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Soon To Be Ex-Husband’s GMC Sierra Truck (Hilliard)

My husband wrecked our family van because of his mistress a few months ago.

He sneakily bought a truck with the tax return but our family of 6 won't fit.

Since he decided that he can't stop his affair with that slut who goes around with anyone, I've decided to sell his beloved truck and get us a normal van.

I don't know much about it. He bought it almost 2 weeks ago and he's the second owner.

It's a 2011 GMC Sierra that has no issue. It's a true pleasure to drive it, even though it doesn't have the whisles and bells of our former van.

Just under 41000 miles.

I'm asking a bit under what he paid for it: $16500. Cash.

If anyone is seriously interested, please email me.

NO SCAM please. No, I will not send it to you or accept a money transfer or check via mail.


do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

The Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, “Son... what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone! I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

Don't Start

Don't start an argument with a girl, because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27 pm on April 23, 2008.

30 Years of Wedded Blisss

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for awhile, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels...

To My Darling Husband

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XOXOXO

P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!!!

Who's Paula?

Yep, this is pretty much how relationships go...;-P

Boyfriend: "Hey, babe... I'm in the hospital. I got my leg injured at work and Paula brought me here. Doctors say I might lose my leg..."

Girlfriend: "Who's Paula?"