How To Get To Heaven

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."

"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.

"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse."

Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity.

"I admit I screwed around behind my wife's back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out." One man admits. "Very well," St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing.

The second man says with a grin, "I've never actually cheated on my wife." St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. "Okay... There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing but I've never been unfaithful after that!" With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car--but in terrible condition.

The third man says proudly, "I've never been unfaithful. Never." The other two stare at the third in disbelief. "No, he's right." St. Peter confirms. "He's been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife." The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.

The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel.

"What's wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?" he gloats.

"No..." the third man tries to gain composure. "It's not that... The car is beautiful!"

"Then what's your problem?"

"I just passed my wife and she was on rollerskates."

What Causes Arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by fast living, being with loose women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered increduously, returning to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The Zipper

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.
So she reached behind her, lowered her zipper and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight.

So again she reached behind her, lowered her zipper a little more and tried to negotiate the step, but still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zipper a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

Your Passport, Please...

An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been previously.

The lady sarcastically said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and waiting, Sir."

The gentleman said, "I didn't have to show it last time."

"Impossible!" The woman retorted, "You British have always had to show your passports to get through here."

The man responded by leaning in close to her and whispering “Well, when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!”

You Could Have

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

The Flight

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and, as she gave the agent her luggage, she stated, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

The student let out a relieved sigh and exclaimed, "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did with my luggage last year!"

The Bathroom

I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?”

Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn't in the habit of conversing to the people in the stall next to me, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.”

“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice.

To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.”

Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-ass is answering all of my questions.”