December 14, 2012
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 2012
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at... your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 2012
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 2012
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 2012
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 2012
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 2012
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 2012
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their freaking cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 2012
Hey Sh*thead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 2012
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those tramps ladies. They've been messing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 2012
Listen A**hole:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you psychopath!
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 2012
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and CholeSee More
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