New Year's Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Years resolution is 1080p.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

If 2014 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2014 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015 Please?

In 2015, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

Dear God, my prayer for 2015 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2014 and a beautiful beginning into 2015.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve, but remember, DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself... this year makeing a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2015.

Just heard that in 2015 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to quit making New Years Resolutions.

There have been many times in 2014, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you... today I just wanna tell you that I plan to continue in 2015!

Happy New Year's Everyone!

First Class

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The flight attendant rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted flight attendant gets the head flight attendant who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head flight attendant doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the flight attendant gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head flight attendant asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

What'll It Be, Buddy?

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "A dollar."

Lover's Lane

A guy and a blond are on a date and, after dinner and a movie, they head on up to that citys make-out spot "Lookout Point," where things get a little hot 'n' heavy.

The guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No."

Unfazed, they continue making out. The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No." A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it. Soon, the man figures he can ask again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you."

Your Passport, Please...

An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been previously.

The lady sarcastically said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and waiting, Sir."

The gentleman said, "I didn't have to show it last time."

"Impossible!" The woman retorted, "You British have always had to show your passports to get through here."

The man responded by leaning in close to her and whispering “Well, when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!”

The Robbery

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

As this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.

Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

10 Canine Commandments

I love these commandments, as we often forget that canines possess feelings, too...

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful to me. Remember that before you buy me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want from me.

3. Place your trust in me. It’s crucial to my well-being.

4. Dont be angry with me for long, and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your entertainment and your friends. I only have you.

5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don’t understand your words, I understand your voice when it’s speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I’ll never forget it.

7. Remember before you hit me: I have teeth that could easily crush the bones of your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being un-cooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’m not getting the right food, or I’ve been out in the sun too long, or my heart is getting old and weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: “I can’t bear to watch it”, or “Let it happen in my absence.”

Everything is easier for me if you are there.

Most importantly, please remember that I LOVE YOU.

Name That Christmas Carol

Clues: 1. Bleached Yule 2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration 3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors 4. Righteous Darkness 5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless 6. Loyal Followers Advance 7. Far Off in a Feeder 8. Array the Corridor 9. Bantam Male Percussionist 10. Monarchial Triad 11. Nocturnal Noiselessness 12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers 13. Red Man En Route to Borough 14. Frozen Precipitation Commence 15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle 16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis 17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant 18. Delight for this Planet 19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings 20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Answers: 1. White Christmas 2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire 3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth 4. O Holy Night 5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear 6. O Come, All Ye Faithful 7. Away in a Manger 8. Deck the Hall 9. Little Drummer Boy 10. We Three Kings 11. Silent Night 12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen 13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town 14. Let it Snow 15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain 16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer 17. What Child is This? 18. Joy to the World 19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing 20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

My Favorite Christmas Jokes

Merry Christmas, everyone! Here are a few of my favorite corny Christmas jokes...

* Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: a wrapper!

* For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty boys.

* Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

* There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

* Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

* Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas... I woke up in a box.

* Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

* The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

* Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.

* A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy right now.

* Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up? A: It doesn’t have legs.

* Dear Santa, I was framed.

* Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate clauses

* This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

* The 4 stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus 3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus.

* I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50."

The Hanukah Song

"Okay...
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
not too many Chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear
any Chanukah songs.
Here we go..."

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah!"

Top Ten Uses For Holiday Fruitcake

The following are the top ten uses for holiday fruitcake:

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.

Have fun with your holiday fruit cake!

The Three Wise Firemen

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Oriental Turkey

If you love turkey and are looking for a dish that's both tasty and easy, this is it!

Ingredients:

Turkey cutlets 1 1/2 lbs
About 10-15 small red potatoes
1/2 lb of bacon
1 can rotel
1 can cream of chicken soup
2/3 can of milk (use cream of chicken can)
2 c Colby jack
1/2 cup parmesan
Parsley flake
Onion powder
Garlic powder
Paprika
Thyme
Oregano
Black pepper
Braggs amino (organic soy sauce)

Directions:

Season the turkey cutlets with all the seasonings and the soy sauce ( or u can use salt instead of the soy this is just a less sodium alternative). Cook the turkey almost all the way done but not quite. Dice the turkey and put it in the 13 x 9 pan. Cook the bacon crispy and cut it into small chunks (large crumbles). Set aside. While cooking turkey and bacon boil potatoes, skin on cut into small bite sized chunks. When potatoes are just under done, mix them in with the turkey, rotel, cream of chicken soup and milk. Sprinkle bacon over the top, then cover it all with the cheese. Bake at 400 for 25-30. And enjoy!

Early Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

The Twelve Days of Fast Food

On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheeeese...

A Kiss Goodbye

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Have You Ever Noticed?

Have you ever noticed that...

* You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
* Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
* Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
* Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
* Santa travels a lot.

Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

Santa Pursuit

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,

Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung on the wall with great care,

Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.

I was working the night shift compiling stats,

Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,

I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter.

I opened the door with a creak and a crick,

And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture a time or two,

He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!"

"Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees."

But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew,

With me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh,

Throwing down toys and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack,

I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank,

And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear.

Then I got off three rounds and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say,

as he sailed into the blue,

"Merry Christmas to all!

My Lawyers will sue!"

The Prince

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy."

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime.

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

Chicken Alfredo Roll-Ups

If you’re looking for an easy to make pasta recipe that’s a success every time, this is a terrifically yummy recipe for you!

Ingredients:

9 lasagna noodles
2 ½ cups alfredo sauce (optional homemade recipe below)
2 cups cooked, shredded chicken
oregano
garlic salt
3 cups shredded Mozzarella, or cheese of your choice

Directions:

Spray an 8×8 pan with non-stick spray and pour ½ cup alfredo sauce, or just enough to cover the bottom of the pan. Boil 8-10 cups water in a large pan, cook lasagne noodles until al dente. (I usually cook 1 or 2 extra just because lasagna noodles always seem to break on me when I am stirring them.)

Now this is the important part! Drain and rinse the noodles with cold water to prevent them from sticking to each other. Then, lay out each noodle individually and blot dry with a paper towel.

Spread about 2 Tbs. alfredo sauce over each noodle. (if there is too much sauce you will have a big mess on your hands!) Sprinkle oregano and garlic salt on top of sauce. Take 1/9 of the shredded chicken and spread it out evenly over each noodle. Add approx. 3 Tbs. cheese. To roll up, start at one end and roll the noodle over the toppings. You will need to lift the noodle a little to prevent squishing out the inside ingredients while rolling.

Place the roll-ups in the pan, one by one, seam-side down so they don’t come undone. Once they are all in the pan, pour the remaining alfredo sauce over the top. Top with remaining cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes, or until the cheese is completely melted on top.

Garlic Alfredo Sauce:

Ingredients:

½ cup butter
2 ounces cream cheese
2 cups heavy cream (or substitute half and half)
2 teaspoon garlic powder
½ tsp. fresh minced garlic
salt and freshly ground black pepper
½ tsp dried oregano
⅔ cup parmesan cheese

Directions:

In a medium to large saucepan melt the butter over medium heat. Add fresh minced garlic and cook for 1 minute, or until fragrant. Add the cream cheese and whisk to smooth and melted. Whisk in the heavy cream.

Season with the garlic powder, salt and pepper. Bring to a simmer and whisk frequently until sauce thickens, around 15 minutes. Stir in the cheese and when melted, remove from heat and serve.

Profound Wisdom

Jim had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts and then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "I know! I think your problem is low self-esteem... it is very common among losers like you."

Mother's Milk

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

How Can I Get Into Heaven??

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD"

The Sky

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look toward the sky, what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto looked at him ruefully and shook his head, "It tells me that you are dumber than buffalo sh*t. What it means is someone stole our tent."

Hash Brown Muffins

Looking for a fast, yet tasty, breakfast treat? Well, have I got the the recipe for you!

Ingredients:

16 ounces hash brown potatoes
4 eggs
4 slices bacon, cooked crisp and crumbled
¼ cup evaporated milk
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon onion powder
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese, divided

Instructions:

1.  Place the bacon, hash browns, milk, eggs, seasonings and ½ cup of the cheese in a bowl and mix well.

2.  Divide mixture into 12 well greased muffin tins and top with the remaining cheese.

3.  Bake at 375 for 20 minutes.

4.  Cool until warm and serve.

Fried Ice Cream

Now you can enjoy your Mexican restaurant favorite at home with this easy recipe for Fried Ice Cream!

Ingredients:

1 quart vanilla ice cream, good quality
5 cups corn flakes, crushed
1 cup flaked coconut
1 tablespoon cinnamon
2 eggs
1 tablespoon milk
2 quarts oil for deep frying

Directions:

Make 5 1/2-cup scoops of ice cream and place on a pan or baking sheet lined with waxed paper and freeze for at least one hour.

Meanwhile, in a shallow bowl add crushed corn flakes, coconut and cinnamon. Stir together. Set aside. In another shallow bowl, beat egg and milk together, set aside.

Remove ice cream from the freezer and roll and press the corn flake mixture around the ice cream. Like packing a snowball. Then roll the ice cream ball into the egg mixture then back into the corn flake mixture. This will give you a thicker crust. Return to the freezer for at least one hour or until the ice cream is very hard.

Heat oil in a Dutch oven or heavy pot until the temperature reaches 365 degrees. Remove the ice cream balls from the freezer and carefully drop into the hot oil. Deep fry for only 20-30 seconds. Remove from the oil and place on a paper towel. Serve immediately with honey and strawberries.

Makes 5 servings.

Taco Pie

This is so very easy to make and comes out looking like a lot of time spent! Trust me, this will be the hit of your next dinner party! Ole!

Ingredients:

1/4 cup butter
2/3 cup milk
1 package Taco Bell seasoning mix
2 1/2 cups mashed potato flakes (you could also use left over mashed potatoes and omit the butter and milk)
1 pound ground beef
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup salsa
1 cup shredded lettuce
1 medium tomato, chopped
1 cup sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
Sour cream, optional

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a medium sauce pan, melt butter. Add milk and 2 tablespoon taco seasoning. Remove from heat and add potato flakes until incorporated. Press mixture into the bottom of a 10-inch pan.

2. Bake for 7-10 minutes until it just BARELY turns golden brown.

3. In a medium skillet, cook beef and onions until beef is browned and cooked through. Drain. Add Salsa and remaining taco seasoning. Cook until bubbly.

4. Pour into crust. Bake for 15 minutes, or until crust is golden brown.

5. Let cool for 5 minutes. Top with cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. Cut and serve with sour cream.

The Shooter

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "Doc, I've never felt better! I have an 18-year old beautiful bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor paused, thought about it a moment, and then replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor said, "My point exactly."

Banana Bread

This Banana Bread recipe is the easiest I've ever found and the bread comes out perfect every time! This is the perfect bring-along for any party!

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cup ripe bananas, mashed
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 3/4 cup flour
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
2 eggs
1/3 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup apple sauce
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup chopped walnuts or chocolate chips, optional

Directions:

1.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees and prep a loaf pan by greasing it.
2.  In a small bowl, use a fork to finely mash bananas (I used 3). Stir in lemon juice and set aside.
3.  In a large bowl, sift flour, sugar, baking soda and salt together. Stir in brown sugar.
4.  In another bowl, use a whisk to combine eggs, buttermilk, oil, applesauce and vanilla extract.
5.  Pour your liquid ingredients and mashed bananas into the dry ingredients. Use a wooden spoon to stir just until combined.
6.  Stir in walnuts or chocolate chips.
7.  Bake for 1 hour, check center with toothpick. Bake additional if needed.

The Chauffer

After getting all of Pope Francis’ luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (that's 127.38109 mph for my American friends)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license... AND my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "A senator?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "God? What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "Because His chauffeur is the Pope!"

Banana Pudding

Nothing tastes better than homemade banana pudding and this is the perfect "not from the box" recipe for it!

Ingredients:

1/2 c. sugar
2 tbsp. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
2 c. milk
4 separated eggs
1 tbsp. vanilla flavor
1 box of Nilla Vanilla Wafers
4 med. ripe bananas

Directions:

1.  Mix flour, salt, and sugar, while adding milk slowly.

2.  Stir constantly over low heat until thickened.

3.  Stir and cook for about 15 minutes.

4.  Beat egg yolks in bowl and stir into mixture slowly stirring constantly.

5.  Cook about 5 more minutes stirring constantly.

6.  Remove from heat and add vanilla.

7.  Line bottom of casserole dish with vanilla wafers, bananas (sliced) and custard mixture.

8.  Repeat layers, ending with custard on top.

9.  Beat egg whites until stiff.

10. Add 1/4 cup sugar; whip until it peaks.

11. Spread on top of custard and bake in oven at 450 degrees for about 5 minutes or until browned.

12. Remove from oven and serve.

Technical Support

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick, the technical support guy, to have him come over and take a look at it.

Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: 

"What's an 'ID ten T' error? I want to know in case I need to fix it again."

Rick grinned and asked,. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

You Could Have

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Is There A Problem, Officer?

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. May I see your licence, please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the man and then slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, his hand on his half-drawn gun...

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space.

The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands him the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite shaken. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license in it. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I'll bet you that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Exercise Is Good For You

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" 

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

What Is Your Snowman Name?

So, if you were a snowman, what would your name be?You don't have to wonder anymore, you can find out now!

Be Careful Who You Mess With!

A burglar who broke into a house and threatened a pensioner with a knife got more than he bargained for when the victim turned out to be a retired boxer who left him bruised and bleeding.

Frank Corti, 72, who served with the Royal Engineers in North Africa from 1956-58, dodged the knife and punched Gregory McCalium, 23, twice in the face, giving him a black eye and a swollen lip. He then restrained the attacker until police arrived.

McCalium, a barman, was given a four-and-a-half year prison sentence at Oxford Crown Court on Monday for aggravated burglary and was told by the judge he had “got what he deserved”.

The court heard Mr Corti was at home in Botley, Oxford, with his wife Margaret, 72, when McCalium, a neighbour, forced his way in at 8am on Aug 19 last year. McCalium was drunk.

Speaking after the case, Mr Corti said: “I was scared when he first drew the knife, but my old training must have kicked in because I just punched him as hard as I could and he went down like a sack of spuds. If you can’t defend what’s yours, where are we at?”

McCalium had denied the charge and claimed he could not remember what happened.

Jim's Night Out

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the door, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "That's Mike, I play football with him."

Inside the bartender asks, "The usual, Jim?" Jim says to wife, "Before you say anything, he also bartends at the country club."

Next a stripper says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?"

At that, Jim's wife storms out dragging him with her and jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver says, "Hey, Jimmy boy, what's going on? You sure picked up an ugly one this time!"

Jim's funeral is being held this Sunday...

Room With A View

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to receive his daily medical treatment. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, and where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the wondrous things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by the description of activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a beautiful lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers held hands and walked amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man described his view from the window in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing through the park. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see the parade in his mind’s eye, as the gentleman by the window developed a detailed picture with his descriptive words.

One morning, the nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the man by the window had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. To his surprise the window faced a brick wall.

The man called for the nurse and asked what could have compelled his deceased roommate to describe such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”

The moral of the story is there is tremendous joy in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money cannot buy. Today is a gift and that is why it is called the present.

Happy Thanksgiving

Wishing all our friends & family a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday...

Chicken Fajitas

This version of chicken fajitas is probably my favorite fajita recipe of all time. Very easy and sooo yummy!

Ingredients:

1 pound chicken breasts (cut into thin slices)
1 tablespoon oil
1 lime (2 tablespoons of juice and zest)
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin (toasted and ground)
1/2 teaspoon oregano
2 cloves garlic (chopped)
Salt and pepper to taste
1 tablespoon oil
2 onions (sliced)
1 green bell pepper (sliced)
1 red bell pepper (sliced)
1 handful cilantro (chopped)
Tortillas
Salsa (optional)
Guacamole (optional)
Cheese (optional)
Sour cream (optional)

Directions:

1.  Marinate the chicken in the oil, lime juice, chili powder, cumin, oregano, garlic, salt and pepper in the fridge for 30 minutes to a few hours.
2.  Grill the chicken over medium-high heat until cooked, about 2-3 minutes per side. (Reserve the marinade.)
3.  Heat the oil in a pan.
4.  Saute the onions until tender, about 5-7 minutes.
5.  Add the peppers and the remaining marinade and saute until the peppers are tender, about 5-7 minutes.
6.  Remove from heat and mix in the cilantro.
7.  Assemble fajitas and enjoy.

The Helpful Wife

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appears in their mirror and obviously wants them to pull over.

State cop: "License and registration please. I clocked you on the radar going 75 mph."

Man: "There must be some mistake I was only going 65."

Wife: "Oh, honey, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "But, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Wife: "Come on, honey, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb %^?!* shut your *^&%# mouth."

State cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"

Wife: "Only when he's drunk!"

The Cat Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.

"No, no, no...  you don’t understand!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

What's Your Turkey Name?

Thanksgiving time is near; and many people’s minds are on pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and turkey... So, let’s find out what your turkey name is!

Reggie

They told me the big black Lab’s name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I’d only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn’t hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie’s advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn’t look like “Lab people,” whatever that meant. They must’ve thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

See, Reggie and I didn’t really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. “Okay, Reggie,” I said out loud, “let’s see if your previous owner has any advice.”

To Whomever Gets My Dog:

Well, I can’t say that I’m happy you’re reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie’s new owner. I’m not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he’s part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn’t done it yet. Doesn’t matter where you throw them, he’ll bound after them, so be careful. Don’t do it by any roads.

Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones —-“sit,” “stay,” “come,” “heel.”

He knows hand signals, too: He knows “ball” and “food” and “bone” and “treat” like nobody’s business.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He’s up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don’t know how he knows when it’s time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. It’s only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He’s gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn’t bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

And that’s why I need to share one more bit of info with you…His name’s not Reggie. He’s a smart dog, he’ll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn’t bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this … well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is “Tank.” Because, that is what I drive.

I told the shelter that they couldn’t make “Reggie” available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could’ve left Tank with .. and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter … in the “event” … to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he’d do it personally. And if you’re reading this, then he made good on his word.

Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

All right, that’s enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I’ll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you,

Paul Mallory

I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

“Hey, Tank,” I said quietly.

The dog’s head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

“C’mere boy.”

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn’t heard in months. “Tank,” I whispered.

His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.

“It’s me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me.” Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

“So whatdaya say we play some ball?” His ears perked again.

“Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?”

Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.