A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which one the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I need the condoms because I think that tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then afterward, we're going to the movies. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get "lucky" after that."
He leans in and winks at the pharmacist and says, "Once she's had me, she'll want it all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He gives the prayer, but then continues quietly praying to himself for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
These are some of my very favorite cookies and they are so easy to make!
Ingredients:
1 egg
1½ cups all-purpose flour
½ cup butter
½ cup sugar
½ cup brown sugar
½ cup chocolate chips
⅓ cup cocoa powder (unsweetened)
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp.rRed food coloring
1 tsp. vanilla
¼ tsp. salt
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375° F.
2. Using a hand blender, mix the butter and brown and white sugar into a fluffy, creamy mixture.
3. Add in the egg and the vanilla extract and keep blending until you have a uniform and smooth mixture.
4. Add the food coloring and blend again. Add the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, salt and whisk the mixture to obtain a dough.
5. Mix in the chocolate chips gradually while whisking it.
6. Refrigerate the dough for an hour.
7. Lightly grease a cookie sheet with cooking spray.
8. Roll the cookie dough into balls and then flatten each one using your palms.
9. Place them on the cookie sheet with a 1-inch gap between cookies.
10. Bake for approximately 15 minutes or until done.
I use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance.
There were two men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, because it says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that is true, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened it to the New Testament, and shows him that at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
Little Johnny decided to run away from home, so he was packed everthing in his room and put it in his little red wagon.
He was walking along, pulling his wagon behind him, when he came to a rather large hill.
He started up the hill, pulling his loaded down wagon with all his might, when he cried out, "Damn, this thing is heavy!"
A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you, my son. He is everywhere. He's in the church. He's on the sidewalk. He's everywhere."
Then Little Johnny asks,"Is he in my wagon?"
The priest replies "Yes, Johnny, God is in your wagon"
Little Johnny says "Well, could you please tell Him to get the hell out and start pushing?"
Old Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing the day Fred died.
He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!!!"
I love these delicious little pies. This is a taste treat that not only makes a great meal, but also serves well at parties!
Ingredients:
Filling:
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 onion, minced
1/2 cup sofrito (garlic, cilantro, sweet peppers)
1 red bell pepper, minced
4 tablespoons tomato paste
2 tablespoons adobo (salt, freshly ground black pepper, and Dominican oregano)
3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
2 pounds ground beef
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Empanada Dough:
3 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons salt
4 ounces butter
2 ounces white vinegar
2 ounces water
1 egg
Guava Sauce:
1 pound guava paste
1/4 cup white vinegar
8 ounces water
1/4 cup rum
Olive oil or neutral tasting oil, for frying
Step 1 - For the filling: Add the oil to a skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions, sofrito, and peppers, stirring occasionally until soft. Add the tomato paste, adobo, and cilantro, stirring occasionally until combined. Add the ground beef, season, and stir until the mixture reaches 160 degrees F. Remove from the heat, strain, and allow the mixture to cool.
Step 2 - For the empanada dough: Sift the flour, sugar, and salt onto parchment paper. Place the sifted dry ingredients into a food processor. Add the remainder of the ingredients to the food processor and process until the dough looks like a ball. Remove the ball from the food processor and cover it with plastic wrap. Refrigerate for 1 hour.
Step 3 - Transfer the pastry onto a lightly floured board and roll out until it is 1/16-inch thick. Cut into segments with a 4-inch dough cutter. Each cut will create a dough round. Put 1 tablespoon of the filling onto the upper half of each round, and then fold the bottom pastry up into a half-moon shape. Crimp the edges closed with your finger to fold the upper and bottom halves together. Repeat this step until all the edges are closed.
Step 4 - For the guava sauce: Blend all the ingredients in a food processor until the mixture is silky and smooth. Pour the sauce in a separate dish or bowl for dipping.
Step 5 - Put about 2 inches of oil into a heavy, deep skillet over medium heat and heat to 350 degrees F. Add the empanadas, a few at a time, and cook until golden brown on both sides, about 5 minutes per side.
Serve with guava sauce.
