Why Aliens Fly Straight Past Us

The word "phonetically" doesn't even start with and 'f''. Sh*t like this is why aliens fly straight past us. As a native language English speaker, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to attempt to learn English as a second language. I was raised by a mother who was an English teacher, and I have an MA in Education, but even I have to stop and think about how words are spelled or if I'm using the correct spelling of "to", "too", or "two"... I seriously don't know how immigrants to this country do it...

The Farm

Agnes was 101 years old and had been a professional comedian for 54 years. She knew she was on her last legs and got the nursing staff to contact her granddaughter, her only living relative.

Her granddaughter flew in to be by her bedside and could plainly see that Agnes was near her end. Agnes weakly hugged her and asked her to pull up a chair. Her grandchild leaned in close and Agnes whispered, " Sweetie, I am leaving you everything I own including my farm. That includes the villa, tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse, orchards and $22,398,750.59 in cash.

Her granddaughter, who was absolutely floored by the realization that she was about to become very rich, said " Oh Granny you are so very generous! I did not know you even had a farm, where is it ?"

With the last of her strength, and her very last breath, Agnes whispered... " On Facebook"

True Story

I decided to grab a burger at a famous fast-food chain's drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. “We’re still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker,” the clerk scolded.

I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. “I’m sorry,” she said, “we are now serving lunch.”

Mother's Milk

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was: "Name seven advantages of mother's milk."

The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages. 

He wrote:

1.  It is a perfect formula for the child.

2.  It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.  It is always available as needed.

4.  It is always at the right temperature.

5.  It is inexpensive.

6.  It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:

7.  It comes in cute containers.

He was the only student to ace the exam.

My Mother, My Teacher

My mother was my greatest teacher. Here are a few of the things she taught me...

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4.  My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.  My mother taught me IRONY : "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?

Monday, Again?

TOMORROW IS MONDAY? AGAIN? I don't think I can take it any longer.

Take Your Pick

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."