Lost in the Desert

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Your Password

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing.

On the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Barbie

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Why I'm Divorced

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. 

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... wearing only my birthday suit.

How People Were Born

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

His father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A Beautiful Monkey

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Having A Rough Day?

Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works:

1.  Picture yourself near a stream.

2.  Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3.  No one but you knows your secret place.

4.  You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5.  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6.  The water is crystal clear.

7.  You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

See! You're smiling already!