Friday, February 28, 2014

The Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, “Son... what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone! I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

That Moment

That moment you think you're losing weight, and then you remember you haven't washed your jeans in a week.

The Walking Dead

Our morning doesn't look like a cereal commercial. Our morning looks like an episode of The Walking Dead.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Calm Down

Whenever I start to feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I Wish

I wish I were as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Your Act Of Kindness

This was found on a car windshield:

"I saw you get out of your car at the intersection to help that old man, who fell, cross the street. I really admired your act of kindness, not many have time anymore. Seeing you pull over shortly after, I figured I should give you this. Please enjoy a nice dinner -- on me. You absolutely deserve it. GOD BLESS"

Given My Track Record

Given my track record with goldfish and house plants, it's a miracle my kids have survived this long.