Do Not Disturb

Some days I would like to wear a "Do not disturb" sign around my neck and today has been no exception. Why is it that when you're doing absolutely nothing, no one calls or comes over, but when you have a full-day scheduled, everyone and their freaking dog wants a piece of your time? I mean, it happens every freaking time!

My Dog

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..." Then I realized that I had just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...

Pinata Of Benevolence

"We have this fantasy that our interests and the interests of the super rich are the same. Like somehow the rich will eventually get so full that they’ll explode. And the candy will rain down on the rest of us. Like there’s some kind of pinata of benevolence. But here’s the thing about a pinata. It doesn’t open on its own. You have to beat it with a stick." ~ Bill Maher

A True Friend

A true friend is someone who knows how crazy your are and is still willing to be seen in public with you. A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "That was freaking awesome!!!"

You Know It's Going To Be A Great Story...

You know it’s going to be a great story when it starts off with, “So this BITCH!” No great story EVER starts with, "So, I met this nice person and..." Never! ;-P

Life Savers

You can develop your children's sense of humor and wit by teaching them to laugh and have fun. Sharing a laugh creates family fun and can lighten any mood we are in. Laughing is the best way to spend time together!

Dog Rules

Dog Rules Simplified For Humans

1. Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

2. Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...

3. Licking: Always get a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
4. Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it is gophers. They are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

5. Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art Of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog to accommodate them.
6. Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

7. Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

8. Going For Walks: Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
9. Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
10. Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, hit wet flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
11. Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them, as it spoils all the fun.
12. Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry and eat a shoe. ;-P