Mistaken Identity

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it.

God replied, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"

God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he whispered to the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? And what is your name?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed.

“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The same kind who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

The Model

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer the negligee, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on."

So, she decided she would do the modeling naked, return the negligee the following day, and keep the $500 refund for herself.

She appears naked on the stair landing and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it."

He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday, at noon. Closed coffin.

Sleeping Pills

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks and believe me, it helps me to sleep at night!"

A Father's Test

He went into his son’s room and placed on the study table four objects:

1.  Bible,
2.  Ten dollar bill
3.  Bottle of whisky
4.  Playboy magazine

"I’ll just hide behind the door," the preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be! But, worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling as he headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the money and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He’s gonna run for Congress!"

How To Change Your Oil

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up mess.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
Drink beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Drink beer.
Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Beer.
Test drive car.
Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Make bail.
Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

Beer $25.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Total - $4150.00

But you know the job was done right.

The Difference Between Apples And Wine

This is why women are like apples and men are like wine:

With apples, the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of getting hurt. So instead, they just take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to get... The apples at the top of the tree think there's something wrong with them, when, in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top.

Men, on the other hand, are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes... and it's up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.