Agnes was the church gossip and although many disapproved of this, they feared her enough to keep silent.
But, she made a mistake when she accused Jim of being a drunk after she saw his truck parked in front of the town's bar, saying, "Anyone who saw it there, knows what he was doing."
Upon overhearing this, Jim stared at her for a moment and then walked away. He didn't explain, defend himself, or deny it. He said nothing.
But that evening, Jim parked his pickup in front of Agnes' house, and left it there, and the neighbors saw it parked there all night.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a multi-car pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... well... something happened. I'm trying to break this to you gently, but the fact is, your member was severed in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to reconstruct a new one that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, this is an intimate subject, so it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.
The husband asks, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" exclaims the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The brunette opens his lunch box to find cold pizza and says "Man, if I get cold pizza one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The red-head opens his lunch box to find a bologna sandwich and says "Man, if I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says "Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend, at the funeral, the brunette and red-head's wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch if he had only told me!"
They then notice that the blonde's wife is the only one not crying, so they both ask her why she isn't sad about her husbands death.
The blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."
Without ever having met you, these are the ten things I know about you:
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9. You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10. You are probably going to send this to see who. else falls for it.
Before her date arrived, Lisa called her friend, “Hi Jennifer, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Okay, great! Thank you.”
Lisa gave herself a quick spritz of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for her date.
Sure enough, after twenty minutes, Lisa was discreetly checking her watch.
After ten more long minutes, her phone finally buzzed. Lisa answered it and listened for a few seconds. Then she grimly pursed her lips and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I need to go home now.”
“No problem!” Said her date with a grin and a wink, “In a few more minutes my dog was about to get run over!”
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by a Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (Worth 95 points)
