50/50

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years and everything has always been, and will always be, shared 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

How To Love Your Job

When you are having an "I hate my job" kind of day, try this little technique out...

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone, so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins...

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."
7. Now close your eyes and repeat out loud fifty times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

No-Bake Strawberry Icebox Cake

This has got to be one of the easiest and tastiest dessert recipes on the planet! The best thing is... it comes out perfect every time!

Ingredients:

2 lbs. strawberries, washed and sliced
1 box Graham Crackers
2 containers whipped topping
1 bar dark chocolate
1/3 cup half and half

Directions:

In a 9×13 pan, the whipped topping, graham crackers, whipped topping, strawberries. Repeat this sequence of ingredients, until you reach the top, ending with a strawberry layer.

For the ganache, break the chocolate into pieces. Heat the cream or half and half until almost boiling, then pour on top of the chocolate, whisking until melted. Immediately drizzle on top and garnish with strawberries.

Cover and refrigerate overnight.

The Choice

One day, a wealthy man announced during a party that if any man present dared to swim across his swimming pool, which contained more than twenty crocodiles, he would be awarded with his choice of a million dollars or the hand of his beautiful daughter.

After a lenghty period of silence, the host observed a young man swimming across the pool with incredible speed, avoiding the crocodiles with every stroke. As the man climbed from the pool, everyone began clapping and cheering.

The host was noticably impressed with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what the young man desired as his prize - the money or his daughter.

To this, the young man replied, "Sir, I want neither your property, nor your daughter, I just want to kick the ass of the man who threw me in the water."

Dog Friendly

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Keeping the House Warm

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and the year's first snow came early and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.

"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

The Wedding

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, trembling and hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter, and finally managed to speak, "Ohhh lordy! When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!"