When I'm an old lady, I'll go live with my children and bring them great joy!
To repay all I've had, from each girl and boy. I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed... and whenever they scold me, I'll just hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away... the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk, to complete every meal. Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes, as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be, to live with my children... the way they lived with me!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman, although he tried to contain himself, kept laughing through it...
A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took off the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine would not cooperate.
Meanwhile, another customer walked in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the surveillance camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber makes the sale to the second customer, who leaves as well.
The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in the store without gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasts well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.
The day after, excerpts of the tape were aired and the phones at the police station started ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was so stupid, he needed to be put in jail just for his own protection!
He turned himself in to the police that same day.
John was sitting outside his local bar one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of alcohol.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous! Of course, I have never taken alcohol myself!"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the bartender "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh, no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
These are so very yummy and so easy to make! My family absolutely adores them!
Ingredients:
Rolls -
2 cans refrigerated crescent rolls
1 stick butter, softened
½ cup white or brown sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon
Glaze -
½ cup powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons milk
Directions:
1. Heat oven to 350°F. In small bowl, combine butter, sugar and cinnamon; beat until smooth. Take dough out of roll and lay triangles on cookie sheet.
2. Roll up each, starting at the widest side, as you would normally do for crescent rolls.
3. Place each cinnamon filled crescent roll onto a baking sheet. Bake at 350°F. for 10 to 15 minutes or until golden brown.
4. In small bowl, blend all glaze ingredients, adding enough milk for desired drizzling consistency.
5. Drizzle over warm rolls.
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the bartender hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.
The bartender liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. The bartender went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rubbed it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."
The bartender asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."
The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" The blonde responded: "November?"
"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" The blonde responded: "Paris?" So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" The blonde replied: "Two?"
"Give her another chance, Give her another chance." chanted the crowd.
