Safe Driving

Sitting on the side of the highway, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Bad Advice

Jane came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" he asked.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

I Am Me

I don't have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I'm far from being considered a model. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars, because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won't change. And if I love you, I do it with my heart. I make no apologies for the way I am, for I am me. <3

The Three Fishermen

Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war... could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the third fisherman, the man put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

Best Part of Waking Up

Mary was surprised by her 8 year old grandson one morning when he got coffee for her while she was still in bed.

She drank what had to be the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She asked him, “Sweetheart, what are the army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV – ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

[It’s a play on a well-known coffee commercial in which the slogan was, “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup.”]

No-Bake Peanut Butter Cheesecake

Are you craving a yummy and easy to make peanut butter dessert? Well, look no further, because this one was designed especially for you!

Ingredients:

1 packet unflavored gelatin
3/4 cup sugar free syrup, vanilla flavor
24 ounces cream cheese, or neufchatel cheese, softened
1/2 cup natural peanut butter
1 cup heavy cream, whipped
Grated chocolate (optional)
Whipped cream/topping (optional)

Directions:

In a small pan, sprinkle the gelatin over 1/2 cup syrup and let soften 5 minutes. Heat and stir over low heat to dissolve the gelatin completely. Do not boil. Cool to room temperature. (You can also dissolve the gelatin in the microwave by heating it about 30 seconds on high. Stir until completely dissolved.)

Beat the cream cheese and peanut butter until creamy. Gradually beat in the remaining 1/4 cup syrup and the gelatin mixture; beat until fluffy. Gently fold in the heavy cream. Pour into a greased 9-inch pie plate. Chill until set, about 5-6 hours. Garnish with whipped cream/topping and chocolate, if desired.

The Bridge

A man was happily riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"