Center Court

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."

"The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"

The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together."

The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could have taken the seat?"

The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

The Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

The Bathroom

I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?”

Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn't in the habit of conversing to the people in the stall next to me, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.”

“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice.

To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.”

Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-ass is answering all of my questions.”

Chex Party Mix

I don't care what anyone says, when it comes to Chex Party Mix, homemade versions beats the pre-packaged stuff by a mile and this recipe is an old family favorite that comes out perfect every time!

Ingredients:

1 cup pretzels
1 cup garlic-flavor bagel chips, broken into 1-inch pieces
6 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 teaspoons seasoned salt
3/4 teaspoons garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
3 cups corn Chex cereal
3 cups rice Chex cereal
3 cups wheat Chex cereal
1 cup mixed nuts

Directions:

1.  Heat oven to 250 degrees.

2.  Melt butter in a large roasting pan in oven.

3.  Stir in seasonings.

4.  Gradually stir in remaining ingredients until evenly coated.

5.  Bake 1 hour, stirring every 15 minutes.

6.  Spread on paper towels to cool.

7.  Store in airtight container.

Painting the Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

What Must You Do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Ginger

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she craps on you!"