Season Pass

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Cost Of Gas

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought premium or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probing.

"It cost the same as always." said the wife. "I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

Banana Split Cake

My family literally gets on their knees to beg me to make this! If you are a banana lover, you will absolutely love this recipe!

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cup crushed graham crackers
1 cup sugar, divided
1/3 cup butter, melted
2 - 8 oz pkg cream cheese
1 - 20 oz drained crushed pineapple
6 sliced bananas, divided
2 - 3.4 oz  packages vanilla instant pudding
2 cups cold milk
2 cups cool whip, divided
1 cup chopped pecans

Directions:

1.  Mix graham cracker crumbs, 1/4 cup sugar and butter.

2.  Press into bottom if 13x9-inch pan.
3.  Beat cream cheese and remaining sugar with mixer until well blended.

4.  Spread carefully over crust and top with pineapple.

5.  Slice 4 bananas and arrange over pineapple.
6.  Beat pudding mix and milk with whisk for 2 min. or until well blended.

7.  Stir in 1 cup cool whip and spread over banana layer in pan.

8.  Top with remaining cool whip.

9.  Refrigerate for 5 hours.

10. Arrange remaining banana, just before serving, over dessert and then top with nuts.

New Principal

As a new school principal, Mr. Anderson was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The custodian looked at him quizzically and replied, "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

Fried Cheesecake

This is a family favorite that is relatively easy to make and company always raves about!

Instructions:

Two 8-ounce packages cream cheese, room temperature
1/2 cup sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 cup whipping cream
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
12-inch tortillas
Oil for frying

Directions:

1.  Using an electric mixer beat cream cheese in large bowl until fluffy.

2.  Gradually add sugar, then salt; beat until smooth.

3.  Add eggs one at a time, beating after each addition.

4.  Add sour cream, whipping cream and vanilla; beat until blended.

5.  Bake at 325 degrees until top is brown but center still moves slightly, or about 40 minutes.

6.  Open oven door and turn oven off. Leave cake in oven approximately 30 minutes, then chill uncovered.

7.  Heat oil in deep fryer.

8.  Fill tortillas with cheesecake and wrap tightly, then deep fry until tortillas are golden brown.

9.  Garnish with chocolate sauce, or fresh fruit and sprinkle with cinnamon sugar, or serve with caramel ice cream topping or melted soft caramels.

* Note: Cinnamon sugar can be made by mixing 2 cups sugar with 4 teaspoons ground cinnamon.

The Castaway

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"