Why Aliens Fly Straight Past Us

The word "phonetically" doesn't even start with and 'f''. Sh*t like this is why aliens fly straight past us. As a native language English speaker, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to attempt to learn English as a second language. I was raised by a mother who was an English teacher, and I have an MA in Education, but even I have to stop and think about how words are spelled or if I'm using the correct spelling of "to", "too", or "two"... I seriously don't know how immigrants to this country do it...

The Farm

Agnes was 101 years old and had been a professional comedian for 54 years. She knew she was on her last legs and got the nursing staff to contact her granddaughter, her only living relative.

Her granddaughter flew in to be by her bedside and could plainly see that Agnes was near her end. Agnes weakly hugged her and asked her to pull up a chair. Her grandchild leaned in close and Agnes whispered, " Sweetie, I am leaving you everything I own including my farm. That includes the villa, tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse, orchards and $22,398,750.59 in cash.

Her granddaughter, who was absolutely floored by the realization that she was about to become very rich, said " Oh Granny you are so very generous! I did not know you even had a farm, where is it ?"

With the last of her strength, and her very last breath, Agnes whispered... " On Facebook"

True Story

I decided to grab a burger at a famous fast-food chain's drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. “We’re still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker,” the clerk scolded.

I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. “I’m sorry,” she said, “we are now serving lunch.”

Mother's Milk

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was: "Name seven advantages of mother's milk."

The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages. 

He wrote:

1.  It is a perfect formula for the child.

2.  It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.  It is always available as needed.

4.  It is always at the right temperature.

5.  It is inexpensive.

6.  It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:

7.  It comes in cute containers.

He was the only student to ace the exam.

My Mother, My Teacher

My mother was my greatest teacher. Here are a few of the things she taught me...

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4.  My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.  My mother taught me IRONY : "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?

Monday, Again?

TOMORROW IS MONDAY? AGAIN? I don't think I can take it any longer.

Take Your Pick

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

Special Delivery

As I entered the hospital elevator, a disheveled-
looking young man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie arranged with flowers.

I smiled knowingly and asked, 
“Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”

Room With A View

A woman went up to the roof-deck of her hotel to sunbathe. No one else was there, so she slipped out of her swimsuit to get an overall tan. A few minutes later, she heard someone running up the stairs.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the hotel manager. “We would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit.”

“But I’m alone,” she said. “What difference does it make?”

“A lot,” said the manager. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Condition Update

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this...

A woman called a local hospital, "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Elizabeth Smith in room 204."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . ."

"Nursing Station. How may I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Elizabeth Smith in room 204."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records... I see that Mrs. Smith is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Albright is going to send her home Wednesday at noon."

The woman exclaimed, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Elizabeth Smith in room 204 and nobody here tells me sh*t!

The Prisoner

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."

With that being said, they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

Letter from Walmart

After I retired, my wife began insisting that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be boring and prefer to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women in that she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart...

Dear Mrs. Smith:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

First Day

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Who Is This?

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to rush to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor, “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”

The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”

“SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor.

“NO, YOU IDIOT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

9-1-1 What Is Your Emergency?

Believe it or not, these are REAL 911 Calls...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

How Much Is That TV?

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes.

So, she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and, again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her, shakes his head, and says,"That's a microwave, not a TV."

Last Wednesday

Last Wednesday night, I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?"

A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring.

"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..." CLICK

It's interesting how a boring night at home can suddenly become so entertaining...

Potato Pancakes

What's not to love about hot, crispy potato pancakes topped with a dollop of tangy sour cream? They are absolutely delicious and perfect for breakfast, lunch, or dinner!

Ingredients:

1 cup cold water
1 egg, beaten
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup dry potato flakes
1 tablespoon chopped chives
1 pinch freshly ground black pepper
1 pinch cayenne pepper to taste
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 tablespoon butter
1/4 cup sour cream
1 tablespoon chopped chives, divided

Directions:

1.  Whisk together water, egg and salt, until salt has dissolved.

2.  Stir in dry potato flakes until incorporated.

3.  Stir in 1 tablespoon of chopped chives; season with black pepper and cayenne pepper.
4.  Heat oil and butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Swirl the pan to mix.
5.  Divide potato mixture into four equal portions and shape into pancakes.

6.  Place the pancakes in the pan and reduce heat to medium. Cook until a well-browned crust has formed onto the bottom of the pancakes, about 10 minutes. Flip each pancake and flatten slightly. Cook until other sides are browned, 7 to 8 more minutes.
7.  Transfer to plate; top each pancake with a dollop of sour cream and sprinkle each with 3/4 teaspoon chives.

Extended Stay

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

Contempt of Court

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

Some Assembly Required

Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift - a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand.

One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."

Three Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

ATTENTION FEMALE READERS: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good about yourselves!

Male readers: Please scroll down...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife and lived a long life! Moral of the story: Women aren't always as smart as they pretend, but let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

You Had One Job

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out.

 The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting further and further away from the bucket."

Eggs Benedict

What makes for a better Sunday brunch than tender poached eggs on top a juicy slice of Canadian bacon and a toasted English muffin? All that's needed to complete this divine madness is a dollop of velvety hollandaise sauce!

Ingredients:

2 English muffins
4 slices Canadian bacon
4 large eggs
12 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
4 large egg yolks
2 tablespoons lemon juice
Salt and paprika to taste

Directions:

1.  To poach the eggs: pour enough water into a 10- to 12-inch skillet so that it’s three-quarters full. Add the vinegar and bring to a simmer over medium-high heat. Gently break the eggs into the water around the edge of the skillet, which will help keep the eggs together. Lower the heat to medium low and simmer until the eggs are just set, about 3 minutes; the yolks should still be runny. (Alternatively, add the eggs to the simmering water, turn off the heat, cover the skillet, and let them sit for 4 to 5 minutes.) Remove the eggs from the skillet with a slotted spoon and set aside on a warm paper-towel-lined plate. If the eggs have any feathery edges, you can trim them if you like.

2. To make the hollandaise sauce: position a large heatproof bowl over a pot of barely simmering water, making sure the bottom of the bowl doesn’t touch the water. In the bowl, whisk the yolk and lemon juice until well combined. Gradually whisk in the butter in a thin stream and keep whisking until the sauce is thick enough for the whisk to leave tracks that hold for a couple of seconds. If the sauce is too thick, whisk in a few drops of hot water to thin it. Season to taste with salt. Keep the sauce warm in its bowl set over the simmering water, whisking occasionally, until ready to use.

3.  Toast and butter the muffin halves.

4.  Heat a 10-inch skillet over medium-high heat and cook 4 slices of the bacon, flipping once, until heated through and browned in spots, about 1 minute per side. Transfer to a large plate and repeat with the remaining slices.

5.  To serve, put two muffin halves on a warm plate, top each with a slice of the bacon and a poached egg, and spoon on the hollandaise sauce. Garnish with a sprinkle of paprika and serve immediately.

The Dentist

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Inoculations

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished with it.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

Membership Application

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Betty Crocker

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!"

Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A plumber?!"

Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!"

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"

Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court

Yes, there is such a thing as a dumb question and it is usually asked by a dumb lawyer...

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”

“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”

“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

Room With A View

We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."

Hooked On Phonics

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price per pound for my cucumbers.

“Maybe the list is alphabetical?” 
I offered.

So she started searching near the bottom of the list: “Q... Q... Q...”

Please Wait To Be Seated

The restaurant was crowded, 
so the hostess at the cash register 
offered to put my name on the 
waiting list.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Stephen, with a 'P-H',” I replied.

Finally, after a lengthy wait, a table opened up and a name was called: “Pheven?”

Computer Illiterate

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

Happy Anniversary

A couple were married for 50 years and on the 50th anniversary, the wife found her husband crying. Touched by this, she said, "Honey, I never knew that after 50 years you would still love me the same way you did 50 years ago".

The husband looked at the wife and asked her, "Honey, do you remember 50 years ago when your father caught us behind the barn naked?"

And the wife blushed and said that she did.

Her husband replied, "Do you remember what your father told me that day?"

She said she didn't.

"He told me that if I didn't marry you, he would have me locked up in prison for 50 years."

The wife looked at the husband and said, "And?"

The husband started crying again and said,  "I could of been a free man by now,"

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him to go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

The Box

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

The Prize

A woman goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she's met. They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom. In there, the woman can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she decides to give him the best night of his life.

In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too bad, at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

A Familiar Patient

An hysterical woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and announces, “Doctor! I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me and I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Oh, no, not again …”

Second Thoughts

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

A Grave Encounter

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

Can I Have A Drink?

A man walks into a bar obviously fall-down drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," said the bartender, "but you've obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad, the drunk walks out the front door and then walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please.”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

Again, the drunk walks out and then returns through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”

“Enough!” The bartender screamed, “I told you No drinks!”

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed “Damn! How many bars do you work at?"

Center Court

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."

"The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"

The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together."

The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could have taken the seat?"

The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

The Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

The Bathroom

I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?”

Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn't in the habit of conversing to the people in the stall next to me, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.”

“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice.

To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.”

Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-ass is answering all of my questions.”

Chex Party Mix

I don't care what anyone says, when it comes to Chex Party Mix, homemade versions beats the pre-packaged stuff by a mile and this recipe is an old family favorite that comes out perfect every time!

Ingredients:

1 cup pretzels
1 cup garlic-flavor bagel chips, broken into 1-inch pieces
6 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 teaspoons seasoned salt
3/4 teaspoons garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
3 cups corn Chex cereal
3 cups rice Chex cereal
3 cups wheat Chex cereal
1 cup mixed nuts

Directions:

1.  Heat oven to 250 degrees.

2.  Melt butter in a large roasting pan in oven.

3.  Stir in seasonings.

4.  Gradually stir in remaining ingredients until evenly coated.

5.  Bake 1 hour, stirring every 15 minutes.

6.  Spread on paper towels to cool.

7.  Store in airtight container.

Painting the Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

What Must You Do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Ginger

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she craps on you!"