Sometimes I Can't Tell

Sometimes even I can't tell if I'm being sarcastic or if I'm really a bitch.

Research Shows

Research shows that if you're afraid of spiders, you're more likely to find one in your bedroom. I'm really afraid of Johnny Depp.

Netflix

Netflix, please stop with the recommendations. You don't know me. you don't know what I've been through.

Daddy's A Gamer!

My daddy is a geek! But I'm living proof he scored at least once.

My Best Relationship Advice

The best relationship advice I can give you is make sure you're the crazy one.

Before You Assume

Before you "assume" try this crazy method called "asking".

Nothing Messes Up Your Friday

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.

Best Mommy Friends

When I first met you and discovered you were a Mommy too... With tattoos, a potty mouth, and suffer from occasional word vomit, I knew we'd be Best friends Forever.

Have Some Fun

Have some fun with your life! Starting tomorrow, call out sick to places you don't even work at.

Xanax Monday

It's just another Xanax Monday... I wish it were Sunday... ;-P

Yes, I Walked Away...

Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.

If I Could Give You One Thing

If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself though my eyes and see what a piece of crap you are... ;-P

The Moment

The moment when one of your favorite songs comes on and in your mind you can still do all the dance moves.

Polly on A Perch

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot."

"Holy crap" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?"

"Well" the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can’t afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The man is delighted!

One day he comes home from work, and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims, "and she let him?"

"Yes."

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?!?"

"DUNNO... I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch..."

Bras At Walmart

Why do they sell bras at Walmart? I appear to be the only one wearing one when I'm in the store.

Before You Marry

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." ~ Will Ferrell

Court Date

So, I took your advice and danced like no one was watching. My court date is later this month.

Your Secrets

Your secrets are safe with me, because there's a good chance I was not listening.

Who Remembers?

Am I the only one who remembers having to use these?

Full Moon

There's only so much you can blame on the full moon. The rest is just everyday bat-shit crazy people being themselves.

Too Many People

Too many people are walking around unmediated, unsupervised, and affecting my life.

Breaking News

***Breaking News***

Common Sense is now an endangered species. Stupidity has taken over the world and unfortunately there is no known cure.

How Many?

How many of you can say you've used one of these?

We've Been Friends

We've been friends so long I rely on your memory to remember my own past.

I'm A

I'm a flip-flop girl living in a high-heeled world.

Training To Die

When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask "Are you sleeping?" "No, I'm training to die."

Nobody

I'm changing my name to "Nobody" on Facebook, so when I see stupid crap people post, I can like it and it will say, "Nobody likes this."

I Must Have Been Royalty

I must have been royalty in another life. I have discovered I have no talent for working, respecting authority, being told what to do or caring about any opinions but my own.

Talk About Bad Luck

Talk about bad luck...

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I said. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Organize Chores

I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Thing's I won't do later; Things I'll never do...

Appreciate What You Have

Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had!

Different Choices

Yes, I could have made some different choices in life but I did what I did, both good and bad and I am not who I was, I have moved on, It’s all part of growing up.

Hippie Juice

One of my favorite drinks to sip on a hot summer's day at the beach is Hippie Juice! I'm not kidding, as that's actually the name of this tempting concoction! Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:

1 c smirnoff watermelon vodka
1/3 c triple sec
1/3 c malibu coconut rum
4 scoop(s) country time pink lemonade mix
water per country time pink lemonade mix
1 c fresh strawberries, cleaned and quartered

Directions:

1 Mix all ingredients
2 Clean and Quarter Fresh Strawberries and put them in the mix.
3 Chill & Serve

A Grandfather's Words

When James K. Flanagan passed away on September 3, 2012, he left behind something absolutely amazing. Months before, he wrote a wise letter of advice to his five grandchildren, unbeknownst to them at that time. With the kind permission of his loving daughter, Rachel Creighton, the letter he left behind was posted online. 

This is that letter:

"Dear Ryan, Conor, Brendan, Charlie, and Mary Catherine,

My wise and thoughtful daughter Rachel urged me to write down some advice for you, the important things that I have learned about life. I am beginning this on 8 April 2012, the eve of my 72nd birthday.

1. Each one of you is a wonderful gift of God both to your family and to all the world. Remember it always, especially when the cold winds of doubt and discouragement fall upon your life.

2. Be not afraid . . . of anyone or of anything when it comes to living your life most fully. Pursue your hopes and your dreams no matter how difficult or “different” they may seem to others. Far too many people don’t do what they want or should do because of what they imagine others may think or say. Remember, if they don’t bring you chicken soup when you’re sick or stand by you when you’re in trouble, they don’t matter. Avoid those sour-souled pessimists who listen to your dreams then say, “Yeah, but what if . . .” The heck with “what if. . .” Do it! The worst thing in life is to look back and say: “I would have; I could have; I should have.” Take risks, make mistakes.

3. Everyone in the world is just an ordinary person. Some people may wear fancy hats or have big titles or (temporarily) have power and want you to think they are above the rest. Don’t believe them. They have the same doubts, fears, and hopes; they eat, drink, sleep, and fart like everyone else. Question authority always but be wise and careful about the way you do it.

4. Make a Life List of all those things you want to do: travel to places; learn a skill; master a language; meet someone special. Make it long and do some things from it every year. Don’t say “I’ll do it tomorrow” (or next month or next year). That is the surest way to fail to do something. There is no tomorrow, and there is no “right” time to begin something except now.

5. Practice the Irish proverb: Moi an olge agus tiocfaidh sí “Praise the child and she will flourish.”

6. Be kind and go out of your way to help people — especially the weak, the fearful, and children. Everyone is carrying a special sorrow, and they need our compassion.

7. Don’t join the military or any organization that trains you to kill. War is evil. All wars are started by old men who force or fool young men to hate and to kill each other. The old men survive, and, just as they started the war with pen and paper, they end it the same way. So many good and innocent people die. If wars are so good and noble, why aren’t those leaders who start wars right up there fighting?

8. Read books, as many as you can. They are a wonderful source of delight, wisdom, and inspiration. They need no batteries or connections, and they can go anywhere.

9. Be truthful.

10. Travel: always but especially when you are young. Don’t wait until you have “enough” money or until everything is “just right.” That never happens. Get your passport today.

11. Pick your job or profession because you love to do it. Sure, there will be some things hard about it, but a job must be a joy. Beware of taking a job for money alone — it will cripple your soul.

12. Don’t yell. It never works, and it hurts both yourself and others. Every time I have yelled, I have failed.

13. Always keep promises to children. Don’t say “we’ll see” when you mean “no.” Children expect the truth; give it to them with love and kindness.

14. Never tell anyone you love them when you don’t.

15. Live in harmony with Nature: go into the outdoors, woods, mountains, sea, desert. It’s important for your soul.

16. Visit Ireland. It’s where the soul of our family was born — especially the West: Roscommon, Clare, and Kerry.

17. Hug people you love. Tell them how much they mean to you now; don’t wait until it’s too late.

18. Be grateful. There is an Irish saying: “This is a day in our lives, and it will not come again.” Live every day with this in mind."

Crying About

Crying about your broken heart won't help. Be mature about it. Set his house on fire and move on like an adult.

My Wife's Purse

Opened my wife’s purse and started laughing. She asked what was so funny...

How To Clean The House

Maxine On How To Clean The House...

1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4 Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5 Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete 'Housework' permanently?" 6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

To All The Mothers

...And here's to all the mothers who have survived Walmart on a Saturday, and still have custody of their children.

Older Siblings

Older siblings... the only people who will pick on you for entertainment, and beat up anyone else who tries

No Spark

He said their was no spark between us anymore... so I tasered him!! (I'll ask him again when he wakes up)

Always Have, Always Will!

Loved you yesterday, Love you still. Always have, Always will!

Thug Life

If by "thug life" you mean baking cupcakes in my underwear while drunk on a Friday night, then yes... I chose the thug life.

Whiskey Cupcakes

Ingredients:

2 cups all purpose flour
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2 cups brown sugar
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. kosher salt
2 eggs
1/2 cup strong coffee
1/2 cup Jack Daniels Whiskey
1 cup buttermilk
1/2 cup vegetable oil

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

In a large bowl, stir the flour, cocoa powder, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. In a separate bowl, combine the eggs, coffee, whiskey, buttermilk and oil. Pour the egg mixture into the flour mixture and whisk until smooth. Spoon the mixture into prepared cupcake wrappers.

Bake for about 18-20 minutes until the tops spring back when lightly pressed. Cool completely and then frost!

A Real-Life Hero

When Charles Williams saw people frantically running out of the subway in New York City, he knew something was wrong. But rather than joining the others in running from what he later found out to be a knife-wielding woman who had already stabbed one passenger, Williams, a street cleaner, ran toward the chaos.

Williams, along with another Good Samaritan, got a hold of the attacker and held her down until police came. The woman who was stabbed, 39-year-old Heather Burke, was treated for her injuries and is now reportedly home safe and sound recovering.

“I just went off pulse to help,” Williams said. “I didn’t think at the time what could happen, I just wanted to save some lives. I just thought it could have been anyone in my family, anybody else’s family in New York City.”

The BFG

In 1989, a little girl named Amy sent a bottle of colored water, oil and glitter to Roald Dahl, who knew right away that this was a dream in a bottle inspired by his book, The BFG. In response, the author penned this short note to his 7-year-old fan.

Vodka Slushies

Ingredients: 1 1/2 quarts cranberry juice cocktail 1 (6-ounce) can frozen orange juice concentrate, defrosted 2 cups vodka

Directions: Combine all of the ingredients in a large plastic container. Freeze for several hours. It will not freeze solid, but rather achieve the consistency of a slushy. Scoop into punch cups or wine glasses and serve.

WARNING: Drinking too fast may cause extreme brain freeze! Please note that sharing your last batch may cause a shortage for yourself... lol

Dear Little One

Dr. Kelly Flanagan, a licensed clinical psychologist and happy father of three, maintains a wonderful blog, in which he gives his well thought-out opinions and fabulous personal advice. He has made a habit out of writing letters to his young daughter, to help teach her about the world, but not only his daughter could benefit from reading his wise words.

Check out what he had to say about the make-up and fashion industry. These are great words to live by...

Dear Little One,

As I write this, I’m sitting in the makeup aisle of our local Target store. A friend recently texted me from a different makeup aisle and told me it felt like one of the most oppressive places in the world. I wanted to find out what he meant.

And now that I’m sitting here, I’m beginning to agree with him. Words have power, and the words on display in this aisle have a deep power. Words and phrases like:

*  Affordably gorgeous,
*  Infallible,
*  Flawless finish,
*  Brilliant strength,
*  Liquid power,
*  Go nude,
*  Age defying,
*  Instant age rewind,
*  Choose your dream,
*  Nearly naked, and
*  Natural beauty.

When you have a daughter you start to realize she’s just as strong as everyone else in the house—a force to be reckoned with, a soul on fire with the same life and gifts and passions as any man. But sitting in this store aisle, you also begin to realize most people won’t see her that way. They’ll see her as a pretty face and a body to enjoy. And they’ll tell her she has to look a certain way to have any worth or influence.

But words do have power and maybe, just maybe, the words of a father can begin to compete with the words of the world. Maybe a father’s words can deliver his daughter through this gauntlet of institutionalized shame and into a deep, unshakeable sense of her own worthiness and beauty.

A father’s words aren’t different words, but they are words with a radically different meaning:

Brilliant strength. May your strength be not in your fingernails but in your heart. May you discern in your center who you are, and then may you fearfully but tenaciously live it out in the world.

Choose your dream. But not from a department store shelf. Find the still-quiet place within you. A real dream has been planted there. Discover what you want to do in the world. And when you have chosen, may you faithfully pursue it, with integrity and with hope.

Naked. The world wants you to take your clothes off. Please keep them on. But take your gloves off. Pull no punches. Say what is in your heart. Be vulnerable. Embrace risk. Love a world that barely knows what it means to love itself. Do so nakedly. Openly. With abandon.

Infallible. May you be constantly, infallibly aware that infallibility doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion created by people interested in your wallet. If you choose to seek perfection, may it be in an infallible grace—for yourself, and for everyone around you.

Age defying. Your skin will wrinkle and your youth will fade, but your soul is ageless. It will always know how to play and how to enjoy and how to revel in this one-chance life. May you always defiantly resist the aging of your spirit.

Flawless finish. Your finish has nothing to do with how your face looks today and everything to do with how your life looks on your last day. May your years be a preparation for that day. May you be aged by grace, may you grow in wisdom, and may your love become big enough to embrace all people. May your flawless finish be a peaceful embrace of the end and the unknown that follows, and may it thus be a gift to everyone who cherishes you.

Little One, you love everything pink and frilly and I will surely understand if someday makeup is important to you. But I pray three words will remain more important to you—the last three words you say every night, when I ask the question: “Where are you the most beautiful?” Three words so bright no concealer can cover them.

Where are you the most beautiful?

On the inside.

From my heart to yours,

Daddy

Source: Dr. Kelly Flanagan

I Wish I Was A Mermaid

I wish I was a Mermaid... - No Pants - No Periods - Perfect Hair - You can lure men to their death - Free Clam Bra

Drunken Melon Balls

Drunken Melon Balls

Watermelon
Cantaloupe
Honeydew melon
Vodka
Pineapple Juice
Peach Schnapps
Tequila (opt)

Use a melon ball scoop out the melons and then fill your bowl with melon balls. Pour your liquor and juice over the balls. Cover and freeze just until partially frozen. You can also chill them for a few hours if you don’t want them partially frozen. Enjoy!