Oh, No! Mama's Off Her Meds, Again.: July 2013

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Do Not Disturb

Some days I would like to wear a "Do not disturb" sign around my neck and today has been no exception. Why is it that when you're doing absolutely nothing, no one calls or comes over, but when you have a full-day scheduled, everyone and their freaking dog wants a piece of your time? I mean, it happens every freaking time!

My Dog

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..." Then I realized that I had just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...

Pinata Of Benevolence

"We have this fantasy that our interests and the interests of the super rich are the same. Like somehow the rich will eventually get so full that they’ll explode. And the candy will rain down on the rest of us. Like there’s some kind of pinata of benevolence. But here’s the thing about a pinata. It doesn’t open on its own. You have to beat it with a stick." ~ Bill Maher

A True Friend

A true friend is someone who knows how crazy your are and is still willing to be seen in public with you. A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "That was freaking awesome!!!"

You Know It's Going To Be A Great Story...

You know it’s going to be a great story when it starts off with, “So this BITCH!” No great story EVER starts with, "So, I met this nice person and..." Never! ;-P

Life Savers

You can develop your children's sense of humor and wit by teaching them to laugh and have fun. Sharing a laugh creates family fun and can lighten any mood we are in. Laughing is the best way to spend time together!

Dog Rules

Dog Rules Simplified For Humans

1. Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

2. Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...

3. Licking: Always get a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
4. Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it is gophers. They are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

5. Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art Of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog to accommodate them.
6. Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

7. Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

8. Going For Walks: Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
9. Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
10. Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, hit wet flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
11. Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them, as it spoils all the fun.
12. Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry and eat a shoe. ;-P

Nillionaire

According to the Urban Dictionary's "Word of the day", a Nillionaire is a person without any money of their own; as in, "He looks rich, but it's all borrowed and his bank account is nil; he's a nillionaire." and "Everything's in his wife's name, he's just a nillionaire." ;-P

Every Girl's Crazy O'er A Sharp-Dressed Man

Lovin' me some ZZ Top... " Clean shirt, new shoes and I don't know where I am goin' to. Silk suit, black tie, I don't need a reason why. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'cos every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Gold watch, diamond ring, I ain't missin' not a single thing. Cufflinks, stick pin, when I step out I'm gonna do you in. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'coz every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Top coat, top hat, and I don't worry coz my wallet's fat. Black shades, white gloves, lookin' sharp lookin' for love. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'coz every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man." ; )

It Will Be Alright

Sometimes we go through things that we don't understand and may never comprehend, but we just have to trust in God that, at the end of the day, it will be alright.

Let's Blame Everyone Else

I love people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions... "I did this because you did that" or "It's not my fault, he made me do it"... I weary very quickly of people who play victim... take charge of your own life, which includes taking responsibility for your own actions... ; )

When People Suck The Life Out Of You

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. From now on, I'm going to start interacting only with taxing people who also suck the fat out of me, too... ;-P

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Noah's Ark

Mosquitos are definitely creatures that I wished had missed the boat,,, Noah wished for something else... ;-P

Noah set sail with two of every kind of animal. Unfortunately for him, the woodpeckers seemed hell bent on sinking the ship!

Labs

This is so very me... ;-P

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awww, I wish my friends were here."

How To Keep Calm In Traffic Jams

Tired of being stuck in traffic with nothing to do but sit there, just looking at the rear-end of the car in front of you? Well, those days are over with the bubble wrap steering wheel from Whamo! get yours today! ;-P

Drink Responsibly

Growing up, I was taught to "waste not, want not"... I've carried that principle into my everyday life, which of course includes drinking... ;-P

A Morning Text

A text first thing in the morning, isn't just saying "good morning"... it's saying that you are the first thing I think about when I wake up and making the effort to let you know... : )

I'm Not Mad

I'm not mad, I'm hurt and there is a BIG difference... if you can't understand this, I'm not certain as to how it can be explained...

Beer And Viagra

There are many reasons why one would not want to mix beer with Viagra; however, I believe that this may be the main one...

Real Friends

Real friends don't talk about you behind your back and they never betray you even if you are no longer friends... that's called having integrity and it's becoming harder to find in today's world...

You would listen all day long, just to tape it and then listen even longer, just to learn the name! There was no Shazam back in my day.

Morning Check List

Got my keys? Check. Got my coffee? Yep. Got my sanity... oops... looks like we've go a runner... ;-P

Monday, July 29, 2013

A Good Life

A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realize how blessed you are for what you have and are grateful for it... : )